It's now been a couple weeks since the infamous kiss with my good friend of 10 years. Everyone and their mom was shipping this relationship. We both went out of town for a while on family trips and TBH the last couple weeks have been super awkward. To go from kissing one day, and then two plus weeks go by. In the middle of the two weeks of not seeing each other, I managed to have a booty call with an old fling. If that's not a sign of a bad match, I'm not sure what is. lol
We scheduled a day hike to catch up. I didn't know what the day would hold. Maybe I'd see him and be like, omg you're my person. Or maybe I'd see him and be like, wtf did I do? ha ha. It wasn't quite as bad as the 2nd... but my gut was definitely speaking to me.
You know that moment on the bachelor or bachelorette when there is a one-on-one date and they have a really fun adventurous day date, and then they change and get ready for dinner where they can finally have a serious talk? Usually the person who isn't the bachelor/bachelorette is the one that has something revealing from their past they want to tell the bachelor. Something that's quite vulnerable to tell to a special love interest. And something that you would only want to reveal if the risk was worth it. I had my aha moment on this hike. There was no way I could see myself feeling vulnerable enough to ever want to reveal my full heart with my friend. I may appear very strong on the outside, but inside I have a very delicate heart that craves a fierce love. A fence jumping love. An I would walk to the ends of the earth for you love. And although there is much love between my friend and I, it is not that kind of love.
It was a freeing revelation. A giant elephant was lifted off of my chest. Yet another small one was put there in it's place. It's like taking 1 step forward but two steps back. It's great to know that there will no longer be any "what if's" in the back of my mind. But at the same time, that means I'm one step further away from finding my person. My friend thinks this will bring us closer, I fear it will do the opposite. I already feel myself detaching.
Life is a crazy, beautiful, wild ride and we never know where it will lead us. Love hard with the ones you love. I'm looking forward to what the next chapter holds. My heart is open to whatever comes its way. xoxo.
10 Dates or 10 years?
Earlier this summer I had a good friend tell me some advice about dating. He's been married for many years and said this advice has helped a lot of people he knows in this crazy dating world we live in. The advice was to wait 10 days of seeing someone before deciding if you want to kiss them or not. We all know we've been really into someone date one and decide to kiss them, only to realize later they're kind of a piece of crap but we ended up hanging around them a lot longer than we should have because we were clouded by infatuation by kissing them. And of course the opposite can happen. Date one they're in the friend zone, but maybe by date 10 something substantial has built up and you might get a pleasant surprise when you kiss them!
Recently, I went on Bumble and decided to try out the 10 date rule and just see how it goes. Whatever I've done before has not worked in the past, so it's worth a shot. First guy I meet, we'll call him, Leo. Leo because we were both only about a week apart in birth and hence, both Leos in astrology. Leo was super cute! Met him at a dive bar for a drink a couple weeks ago. Told him about the 10 date rule and he was on board. I didn't feel the need to kiss him date one though, despite him being cute.
Next night I met up with another guy for a drink. We'll call him BB King. lol. BB are his initials so BB King works for me! This guy is a tall drink of water. Pretty hot actually. Like, from the pictures, kind of out of my league. Even cuter in person. Whoo-wee. Charming smile. Wants kids. 6ft plus. Fun conversation. Held my hand on a walk after drinks. Just feeling really fun. I also told him about the 10 date rule thing and he was 100 percent on board with this idea. I was feeling really into BB King but I already had a 2nd date planned with Leo, so wanted to see that through.
Leo and I went to the Brewfest on the water front. It was a blast. Tasted some fun beers. Had really good, easy conversation. But I didn't feel it was right to continue to see Leo, when I was clearly more into BB King. So after our 2nd date I bid him farewell.
For our 2nd date, BB King actually went out to drinks with me and a few of some of my greatest friends of all time. I feel like having someone meet your closest friends is a really good test run to see how they would do. He handled himself really well. Was super fun, and then we followed up the evening with some good conversation on our own.
Date 3 we meet up for live music in the park. It was super cute. We danced a little and walked on the water front a little. And again, he was super cute and charming and I was really into him. Wanted to kiss him for sure to see if there was sparks. But, we promised to hold off so we did.
Date 4 I meet him by his work after work for the Ape Caves. This was a super cool date. I was impressed. Spelunking and crawlin through a cave. Totally my kind of thing! But for some reason on this date the sparks didn't seem as alive to me. And by the end of the night when we hugged goodbye it was pretty lack-luster. I can't pinpoint exactly what went wrong, but that just something wasn't quite right. He had guns in his trunk from the weekend before, and guns are a huge turn off for me. I just don't like to be around them. But, if that's your thing, I try really hard to understand that and if you're safe, then go for it. I just want children someday, and I don't like the ideas of guns being part of the lifestyle. It also sounded like he didn't have the greatest relationship with his family, and that's a really hard one for me to get past. Family is SO important to me and it's values I want to share and I just really want to share a life with someone who also has a good family support around them. Again, none of these are deal breakers. Just things to think about. Like I said, nothing specific happened bad on this date, just wasn't really feeling it for whatever reason. I like to trust my gut in these situations because the 2nd I don't, I usually regret it.
Close friends that met him convinced me to give it date 5. I could tell though, that BB King didn't seem to be as into the date either. Like we must have both felt the same thing for whatever reason. And he was out of town a lot. And out of town on my birthday and so we were planning something for the next night (tonight) only to cancel it because it's his moms birthday. I kind of feel like me and BB King are cancelled too. :/
Rewind to this past weekend. Oregon Jamboree music festival. Having the time of my life. Totally hooked up with a long lost love that I shouldn't be hooking up with... whoops. But there's just so much love there, but also not good for me. gah!
But then there's this other thing that's been happening kind of out of my control for the last several months. For some reason, I started seeing my best friend differently. This is a (guy) friend whom I've shared so many fun times with over the past 10 years and never once wanted to make a move or wanted him to make a move. We'll call him Lil' BFF. But something this year switched in me a little bit. Our relationship started to feel a little different and I found myself wondering the possibilities of that, but also very scared to make a move because he's literally the best human I know. Nothing is worth losing that.
But you know me, I like to be bold and life is way too short not to be! So yesterday at my birthday shindig, I made it very clear that I was making a move. lol. I was the birthday girl so I do what I want. He didn't seem to be mad about my move making, so that was fun. Gah, I just love him so much. Not even in the romantic way, because that's just way too new of a feeling. But I just deeply love him and care about him in all the best human ways one can. I told him to take me home that night, and he obliged. And then you know, we kissed for the first time ever and cuddled and pretty much stayed up until the sun came up. And it was really really sweet and gentle and loving and it just made me feel really loved. Even if that's all that ever is, it was worth it. :)
My life: To be continued...
On The ROad again...
I'm on the road again! Currently I'm sitting on one of two Queen beds at Hawthorn Suites by Wyndham in Sacramento, Ca. I left at 10:30am yesterday morning from Portland. I rented a car because my car is two seconds from breaking down already. Eek! But the good news is I'm so happy to be on this trip solo. As a lot of you know, I landed an internship at London Alley Entertainment in Los Angeles, Ca over spring break. A huge music video production company that does music videos for Ariana Grande, Sam Hunt and the likes! I wanted to blog about my daily experiences because I know a lot of people are curious as to how the internship will go and what it will look like. Will it be glamorous? Will I meet a bunch of famous people who will take me under their wing and have me be their new music video director? Or will I just be an office bitch for a week and come home crying. lol. I'm guessing somewhere in between, but to be continued... ;)
As far as the journey so far, I was making really good time yesterday. I realized before I left that I needed to bring chains with me over the siskiyous pass. Woops. That didn't happen, but luckily the pass wasn't too bad. Snow hit my windshield for a few minutes over the highest point on I5, but otherwise was fine. The sun was shining a lot of the way. I had my windows cracked and the heat up! Fresh air feels so good while driving!
I ended up texting my former professor from my first time in college. I went to College of the Siskiyous way back in the day. I remember that first drive I took to Weed, CA when I was 17. Ready to play college softball and stay out of trouble in a small town. Well I did one of those two things. lol ;) Lots of crazy memories happened in Weed. Including meeting one of my favorite people in the world; My communications professor Jayne Turk. She would go on to be one of my best friends and allies. She opened a restaurant that I worked at and I became tight with her children too. Over the years there have been visits. I've stayed with her family. Her family has stayed with mine. And even some Black Friday Shopping trips in between! When I stopped in, it was like no time had passed (even though it's been 15 years in total since we met shhh!)
That was a great little visit. I'd guess I was at their house for maybe an hour. We chatted, reminisced. and she even made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sent me on the road. At this point I was feeling fresh and ready to conquer the rest of the drive. Although I wanted to be realistic. I thought I would probably stop in Sacramento. As I was 10 minutes from the city center I pulled into a rest stop to book a hotel online. Unfortunately that was a pain. Every room I was trying to book would be be taken by the time I got my credit card info in. So I called expedia to book so they could do it for me. And then the same thing happened again! Son of a bitch! lol. It was frustrating, but at least fleeting. I called the hotel personally and they booked for me. Phew! Oh, and I forgot to mention I was definitely in a bigger city than I'd been in for a while. There was a dance party at the rest stop. Working at the Car Wash was playing, and folks were getting DOWN! ha ha. It made me smile. There may have been drugs involved in their good time though lol.
So last night before going to bed I thought I would maybe have enough energy to meet someone at a bar across from my hotel. Cause why not?! I'm on vacation! So, I downloaded tinder, swiped a few times and next thing I know its 7am. lol. I totally passed out. Ha ha. It was a good thought! Now, I'm preparing to continue down south. I hope to leave by 10am and it's about a 7 hour drive I'd guess to LA. GPS says 5 1/2 but that's never the human time. I hope to do a blog post every night to fill you in on my adventures! Monday through Friday I'm interning and then I don't have to be back in Portland until Wednesday night the 3rd. So that's when the crazy adventures will begin, I imagine. But you never know with me! Stay tuned! Let's do the damn thing! xoxo
TREAT YO SELF.
Like a Super-moon, I think there's such thing as a Super-Ovulation. Seriously. And I'm right in the middle of it. I haven't had anything to report on my dating blog in 3 1/2 months. It's been 4 plus months since I ended my last relationship. Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper last night at the Oscars. Swoon! <3 All of the stars are aligned for Super-Ovulation! lol.
Anyway, you're wondering what this actually means? It means that while I have been swiping on dating apps for the last two days I've had ovulation goggles on. Every guy looks so much more attractive to me. I'm not annoyed. I've been thinking about all of my exes in the best ways possible. This has led to a little online stalking and reminiscing. When you have zero negative thoughts about any of your exes, you know somethin's up! :p
All I've been day-dreaming about is being on a tropical vacation with a pina colada in hand and a sexy man (or men) catering to my every need. Maybe this is because it's the dead of winter and I like to think about this stuff this time of year, or maybe it's because I'm almost done with school! 4 months! That's how long I've been broken up and time flew! I'm hoping that right when I graduate I can sneak off on some type of magical adventure. Spain would be fun! I just want to go make out with a bunch of sexy men that don't speak the same language as me with no ragrets! ;) (Intentionally misspelled)
But, as I haven't written on here in a while- it's for a reason. I've had zero love life for the past 4 months. I have not been on one date between then and now. There may have been a few flirtations along the way, but I am so career/school focused right now. Life is busy and fantastic with all of the video productions I've been able to be a part of and it doesn't seem to be slowing down any time soon. I'm in love with life right now!
With how busy I've been, got me thinking... if Lumberjack and I would have stayed together I'd probably be pretty miserable. He was already unsatisfied with the amount of time I was able to give him and I felt like I was going above and beyond with the time I was able to give him considering I was a full time working student. And naturally I'm a people-pleaser. I want to make sure my man is feeling good and loved and wanted at all times, so if this isn't happening I feel like I've failed- and aint nobody got time for failure. But when I'm giving everything and then some and still being told I'm failing, that's probably not a healthy give and take relationship. Glad I can see that now, because honestly, last night's Gaga/Cooper performance really got me thinking about Lumberjack. I saw A Star is Born in the theaters with him, and I'm pretty sure it's actually that movie that made me fall in love with him. I wanted that to my love story so bad (minus the substance abuse)... but it just wasn't. Damn.
Good news is, I'm really proud of all of my accomplishments thus far! I feel like I've grown and learned so much in this past year and I have so many more milestones to hit and much more to learn. I can't wait to see what the future holds.
As far as dating goes. It's tough. I want to find time. I want my crazy hopeless romantic love story. I want to be swept off my feet. But I'm kinda kicking ass at sweeping me off my own feet at the moment. I could at least use a good make out sesh soon though. Ha. #Human #TreatYoSelf #ToBeContinued...
It's now been 3 1/2 week since Lumberjack and I split. And today, I'm feeling great and whole! I've been filling my life with so many projects and feel great about what I'm doing. No ball and chain holding me back. lol My life moves very quickly if you haven't noticed. :) In the last 2 weeks I had 2 amazing men surface and resurface into my life.
Y'all remember Silver Fox. We dated for a few months, he was a jerk and abandoned me when he didn't like some adversity. He didn't speak to me for two whole weeks. Never broke up with me. And then he called one day after two weeks and wanted me back. By then I had already grieved the loss of that relationship and decided that I wanted something more than someone who would just disappear in the face of adversity. Life isn't always rainbow and butterflies... but I need a ride or die.
We broke up last February. We probably didn't speak for a couple months. He was blocked from everything. Then I got a message out of the blue on my website contact form. Telling me he missed me and he was sorry. I told him I appreciated the message and that if he wanted a friendship I was willing to do that but that if he was expecting a romance again, that ship had sailed. He seemed to be good with that. So we became friends again. Slowly.
He showed up to a couple of my shows. And then I asked him to work on a project with me. He did craft services for a couple of film gigs. And it was a nice supportive friendship. Rewind to a couple of months ago when I met Lumberjack, I posted online "I might have just had my last first date." I got a text from Silver Fox almost immediately with the thumbs down emoji. He said it hurt his heart too much to see that post and that he was still holding on to some kind of hope for us even though I already told him the ship had sailed. I didn't really know how to respond since I was feeling so smitten with Lumberjack. Silver Fox said he was going to un-follow my social media and to not take it personal. All I could say was that I understand and he should do what's best for him.
Fast forward to Halloween. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable having come off a breakup with Lumberjack. My sister invited me to her house Halloween party so I got dressed up for the occasion. I knew it wouldn't be a big party and mostly children but I was still down to get out of the house since I'd been under the weather and the covers all day! I'm on my way to my sisters and I get a text from her saying the party is off but I can still come over for dinner. lol. Well I was already on my way, so I was definitely still going over for dinner.
My sister happens to live near Silver Fox and since it was going to be a low key night I decided to text him and see if he had Halloween plans. And if not, we could meet up at a dive bar for a drink and celebrate the holiday together. His plans fell through too, so we met up! It was actually really great to see him. We had 2 drinks, and I said no more because I was driving home that night. He suggested we Uber back to his place and he can bring me to my car in the morning and I can stay on his couch so we could have fun tonight. That sounded great to me! We bar hopped and got another round and were having a ton of fun together. Well, you know how it goes with exes. We get back to his place and we both knew I wasn't going to be sleeping on the couch. lol. It was a good night, lots of snuggles and kisses and I really did enjoy my time with him. But I was also not in a great place to make any decisions on that front.
That Friday I had a music gig and so did he. But he showed up for the last 10 minutes of my gig after he was done with his even when he had to be on the road first thing in the morning to go on tour. It was really sweet. When he finally left it was like a movie... I ran out to his car and opened his driver door and just started passionately kissing him and then sent him on his way. It was pretty romantic, but my heart still wasn't really sure what it was doing. It was feeling very confused. But also felt comfort with Silver Fox. I know that he actually respects me as a person as he's been putting in a lot of work to just be my friend after telling him I didn't want more. And it's been months of that. So that really means something to me.
Well I was already on Tinder and was already planning to meet with a rando that weekend while Silver Fox was out of town. And to my surprise I actually ended up meeting a great guy. Super attractive. Good chemistry. We went to a bar for a drink, and then were having so much fun we rented a scooter together and went to another bar and watched some live music. And then we had a lovely kiss goodnight. I wasn't mad. But I was feeling a little guilty about the Silver Fox situation. But also, just really mourning the loss of Lumberjack too. This guy was a personal trainer and also had a great beard. We'll just call him "Trainer."
So Trainer and I went out again and had dinner and a drink and then decided to end the night early so we could have a day date the next day. We went up to gorge to walk along the sand and then we hiked Bridal Veil falls, then we went back into town and got some lunch and then walked at a park, all with my pup. It was a lovely day! I enjoyed his company. But something just was off. I don't know if it's because I was just not that into him, or if I felt bad that I was on a date with him for Silver Fox's sake, or if I just missed my ex. Probably a combination.
Trainer kept texting me to hang out again and I was just kind of avoiding it until finally I texted him back that he should move on. Timing just wasn't right. That's all I know for sure was the reason. My heart was also building a soft spot again for Silver Fox. Not really sure what that was or is... but I'm not going to push it. But what I do know, is that today I feel great! I feel free from the pain of Lumberjack and I feel excited for the future! And I'm curious to see what the future holds with Silver Fox. All I know is that there is mutual respect there, and I really can get behind that.
And since I love dating blogs and the bachelor/bachelorette it's only natural for me to produce my own local dating reality show (with a bachelorette other than myself!) I can't wait to plan more and to finally check that off my bucket list. Hopefully the Bachelor will hire me once they see how amazing I do! :) Life is Beautiful! <3
I have a new hole in my heart. Undoubtedly placed where "lumberjack" filled the spot. It's like I had a full storage space but moved things around to make room for him and when he left the space couldn't be filled again. Isn't it crazy how a human can do that to your heart?
Things in my life couldn't have been going better before I met him. Well, that's not true. lol. But things were going pretty fantastic. I felt so happy and alive before meeting him. And the first day we met I knew he was the one. That's the part that stings the most. Every first date I've ever had that I told the guy I had no chemistry with that didn't understand why, was all leading up to my first date with him, with Lumberjack. He made my heart sing and dance, but he also made my heart burn and cry. He held so much power over my emotions that I didn't know how to control them when it came to him. And with so much power over one's heart, I expected a lot. I expected for my heart to be nurtured and protected. But how do you expect someone to nurture and protect your heart that hardly knows your heart? I suppose that's the hopeless romantic in me. But unfortunately your heart can't tell who's going to be nurturing and protective of it when it falls. Your heart gives you no warning sign that the person you're trusting with it just isn't capable of that, no matter how much you wish that to be untrue.
There is no doubt in my mind that I was falling in love with Lumberjack. We talked about the future. About our future children. The life we would plan together. Our finances and how we would make it all work. And I was all in wholeheartedly. The girl that lives for adventure and solo trips was now excited to take someone with her and to go with him. Honestly, I think I did fall in love. As crazy as that sounds. And my heart wants to cry even typing that. Just knowing that I got THAT vulnerable. In that first two weeks I would have eloped with him if he asked. And I probably wouldn't be here typing this "breakup" blog because when I choose to marry someone whether on a romantic whim, or over years of working at it and choosing each other... I'm not going to give up.
But I guess that's just it... We didn't get married. And we both had the choice to stay or to go. And although the first three weeks were magical, the last two were misery. For both of us. It's like all communications failed. We were speaking an entirely different language which, without "google translate,k" that can grow really frustrating. It's sort of a fun adventure at first, but then damn it you want to speak the same language with the person you're trying to build a future with. And not knowing if we'll ever be able to learn the other's language is a frightening future to look to. Did we make the right choice by separating now when it was easy to? Knowing that we might not have ever spoken the same language? Or should we have just went for it and worked through it? I don't think any choice is wrong, there. But both people have to make the same choice. And that clearly wasn't happening. When he was making the choice to continue, it felt like I wasn't. And when I was making the choice to continue, it felt like he wasn't. We just never made the choice at the same time lol. At least that's what it felt like.
Of course, there's more intricacies to relationships than just speaking the same language. And there was definitely more to ours. I know I felt like I was giving 110% to the relationship. I'm in school full time, have a very social life, and trying to give everything to this career so I can build a successful future life that has children and a home in it, yet literally every free second I had I was making sure I was calling him or texting him or spending time with him so he knew that I was serious and that I was going to do everything I could to make him feel special and appreciated, and that I was willing to sacrifice my downtime to accommodate his needs. Maybe that was the wrong move? In my VP1 class we were just told to undersell and overachieve in all of our jobs that way no client is disappointed. Maybe that's how you're supposed to be in relationships too? ha ha. But seriously, it kind of makes sense. I was giving everything I had and when I was asked to give more, it really was hurtful. My 110% wasn't enough. Where do you go from there? I was feeling defeated. And I was probably starting to feel resentful that I was giving up my personal downtime for him, and then hearing ultimatums like "I'm fine with how much time you're giving now, but this won't work if it still happens in the future." Rather than seeing how much I was giving, he saw how much I couldn't give. Which, is fair. You're totally allowed to have your standards and wants and maybe I just wasn't enough for him? And I couldn't look him in the eye and truthfully say that I would give him more time when I graduate. Not that I wouldn't want to, but I do need to make sure that I start this career that can propel me and my family in to a comfortable lifestyle and I'm going to work my butt off to get there and that may mean less time together. That kind of lifestyle doesn't work for everyone. It's not my preferred lifestyle either. But I guess my thought is, if you're in love you'll both find ways to satisfy each others needs. I dunno. Maybe that's naive of me...
And I know he was feeling the same way. He felt he was giving me all of the emotional support he could give me. But he also said, that's just not who he is. So his 110% there wasn't feeling like it was enough for me either. And it's just heartbreaking. To want something so bad with someone. I'm an emotional being and I'm all about following ones heart over logic. But my heart and emotions were hurting because of the logic that he couldn't give me the emotional support I longed for in a partner. It's like all of the things I found attractive in him, the manliness the toughness, the I don't give AF attitude. It was all so attractive for me and primal-y just made me want him so bad. Yet, it was killing me inside at the same time. I felt not understood. I felt I couldn't be sensitive with him, and I'm a sensitive being naturally. So there was no balance there. Again, was it right of me to walk away knowing I couldn't get the emotional support I longed for in a partner? Logically, yes. But emotionally, no. I still wanted him. And still want him, honestly. Which I want to kick myself for.
There is a part of me that feels maybe the timing just wasn't right for us. Maybe if I would have waited to get on Tinder after I had graduated and already had my future job in place that maybe things would have gone smoother. There would have been a lot less questions on how we were going to make it work. And to be fair, he still had a lot of questions on what he wanted or what he was going to do with his career. He was talking about moving to Montana and maybe moving somewhere else. And I really want to stay in Portland near my family at this point in my life. Would I have been willing to move to Montana with him for a period of time, yeah. I would have. But I was starting to question if he even wanted me to. And that's not good and didn't make me feel good.
I know it probably sounds crazy to most of you reading this that in a month and a half two people could have had this intense of a relationship, but I want to believe that it was real. It was real for me, at least I know that. So in that sense, it was real. I can't speak for him.
A naive part of my heart wants to believe that if I had all the things he was looking for right now that I would have been enough. That just maybe when I do graduate and have the killer job, he'll wish he was with me and that we'll run into each other on a hike, or on Tinder lol, and both swipe right, start chatting again, get coffee as friends and then fall madly in love again and wonder why we never made it work in the first place... I'm sure this thinking is probably from watching too many rom coms. But if it doesn't happen in real life I can write the ending I do want in either a song or a screenplay. :)
But that's also the thing, if I'm not enough for someone as I am now, I never will be. And logically, I know that. As hard as that is to admit to myself. And I know that the best way to move forward is to live my best life. Keep working really hard at the things I want to accomplish. Keep filling my cup with love and family and friends. Keep exercising and adventuring and doing the things that keep me whole as an individual and eventually I will hopefully fill whole again. And when I do, that's when my heart will be open to meeting someone else.
Which, speaking of, right now it's clearly not. I totally hopped on Tinder a day or two after our split. I just wanted to get out of the house and meet someone new. Someone to get my mind off of things. Which btw, I also saw Lumberjack on there too. Can't blame him, and even though I was on there too it still really stung. But, I matched with this guy who seemed nice enough! He asked me what I was looking for and I told him that I just got out of a whirlwind of a romance and that I was reeling from it and that I was looking for a distraction, not to be confused with a hookup. He seemed to be okay with that since he recently was out of a long term relationship so I thought we were on the same page. I just wanted some decent conversation.
We met at White Owl in SE which was by his place. Literally he walked there. And I had to drive 20 minutes. I always think that's so rude when dudes suggest that we meet right by there place especially knowing where I live. Where is the chivalry anymore? I wanted to get out of the house enough that I agreed anyway.
I get to White Owl and order myself a drink. Leave the tab open because I don't know how the night is gonna go. Maybe I'll be so impressed with this dude that I'll totally forget who Lumberjack is. That's the hope, right? They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. lol. Except I had no intentions of getting under this dude ha ha. But, I was just hoping for a handsome distraction at least. Well, I will say that plan totally backfired.
Dude shows up and he gets himself a drink. We go to an outside table because the music was too loud inside. And immediately, like within seconds I knew this was going to be an awkward date. He just stared at me most of the night in awkward silence and I felt super uncomfortable. I tried to joke around and laugh and make it less awkward, but dude was a little creepy and I could tell he was clingy. I was almost itching in my own skin. lol.. Anyway, I didn't order another drink. I lasted about an hr before I told him I was going to close my tab and head home.
As I was leaving he was really trying to hint that he didn't want me to go home but all I wanted to do was run for the hills. When I got home he texted me and told me how he was super into me and into "this." Honey, there is no "this." Let's get that straight. lol. I was honest with him and told him there was no chemistry. Then he asked what he did wrong. And I explained how I felt when I met Lumberjack. And he was convinced there was no way I could know by a first date. I said, when you meet someone you just have an instant chemistry with, like I did with the last guy I dated, that's how you know it's worth a second date. He then said, "you're not with the last guy." Rude! lol. No, he's right. I am not. But, dude, when a girl says she's not into you, believe her. Arguing your case only shows how desperate you are which is not helping your case at all. Sheesh.
I went home that night and I just bawled. I miss Lumberjack. There is no doubt about it. I realized Tinder wasn't probably the best idea because being around more duds just makes you realize how much you miss your last guy. And I really do hope Lumberjack gets his happy ending too. Not in an Asian massage happy ending kind of way lol, but more in a- I hope he finds the match that's best for him and gets the family he wants and is happy. And since that's not me, I'm glad he realized that now for both of our sake and that neither of us waste any time. I can respect that we weren't wanting to waste the others time. If it's not right, it's not right. I'll move on, because I need to.
So, I'm off Tinder. Trying to keep busy and keep kicking ass at life. And I'm still holding out hope that I'll have the same kind of chemistry and passion off the bat that I did with Lumberjack with someone else in the future and that we'll be better matched. Or that we meet again and have our rom-com happy ending. Either way! lol. It just feels good knowing that I'm open to love. And I always said that I would get my heart broken a million times over and over again knowing how much it hurts because the reward for love is greater than all of the pain from heartbreak.
But know that I'm not super human. I'm grieving. Deep. But I'm still motivated and maybe even more motivated now to keep going and to keep pushing. When challenges and obstacles get thrown at you, you have to push through them. And when you do, they feel that much greater! So I'm looking forward to kicking ass my last few terms at PCC and at setting up my future on my own and going on a warm reasonable vacation or adventure this winter wherever that may be, and hopefully FINALLY fulfilling that bucket list to live that #vanlife or #buslife Or whatever it turns out to be! I'm ready!
Ahh, love! It sure makes life worth living, huh!? <3
Dallas Brown is a pop country singer song-writer livin the dream!