It's now been 3 1/2 week since Lumberjack and I split.  And today, I'm feeling great and whole! I've been filling my life with so many projects and feel great about what I'm doing.  No ball and chain holding me back. lol  My life moves very quickly if you haven't noticed. :)  In the last 2 weeks I had 2 amazing men surface and resurface into my life. 

Y'all remember Silver Fox.  We dated for a few months, he was a jerk and abandoned me when he didn't like some adversity.  He didn't speak to me for two whole weeks.  Never broke up with me.  And then he called one day after two weeks and wanted me back. By then I had already grieved the loss of that relationship and decided that I wanted something more than someone who would just disappear in the face of adversity.  Life isn't always rainbow and butterflies... but I need a ride or die. 

We broke up last February.  We probably didn't speak for a couple months.  He was blocked from everything.  Then I got a message out of the blue on my website contact form.  Telling me he missed me and he was sorry.  I told him I appreciated the message and that if he wanted a friendship I was willing to do that but that if he was expecting a romance again, that ship had sailed.  He seemed to be good with that.  So we became friends again. Slowly. 

He showed up to a couple of my shows.  And then I asked him to work on a project with me.  He did craft services for a couple of film gigs.  And it was a nice supportive friendship.  Rewind to a couple of months ago when I met Lumberjack, I posted online "I might have just had my last first date."  I got a text from Silver Fox almost immediately with the thumbs down emoji.  He said it hurt his heart too much to see that post and that he was still holding on to some kind of hope for us even though I already told him the ship had sailed.  I didn't really know how to respond since I was feeling so smitten with Lumberjack.  Silver Fox said he was going to un-follow my social media and to not take it personal.  All I could say was that I understand and he should do what's best for him.

Fast forward to Halloween. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable having come off a breakup with Lumberjack.  My sister invited me to her house Halloween party so I got dressed up for the occasion.  I knew it wouldn't be a big party and mostly children but I was still down to get out of the house since I'd been under the weather and the covers all day! I'm on my way to my sisters and I get a text from her saying the party is off but I can still come over for dinner. lol.  Well I was already on my way, so I was definitely still going over for dinner.  

My sister happens to live near Silver Fox and since it was going to be a low key night I decided to text him and see if he had Halloween plans.  And if not, we could meet up at a dive bar for a drink and celebrate the holiday together. His plans fell through too, so we met up!  It was actually really great to see him.  We had 2 drinks, and I said no more because I was driving home that night.  He suggested we Uber back to his place and he can bring me to my car in the morning and I can stay on his couch so we could have fun tonight.  That sounded great to me!  We bar hopped and got another round and were having a ton of fun together.   Well, you know how it goes with exes.  We get back to his place and we both knew I wasn't going to be sleeping on the couch. lol.  It was a good night, lots of snuggles and kisses and I really did enjoy my time with him.  But I was also not in a great place to make any decisions on that front. 

That Friday I had a music gig and so did he.  But he showed up for the last 10 minutes of my gig after he was done with his even when he had to be on the road first thing in the morning to go on tour.  It was really sweet.  When he finally left it was like a movie... I ran out to his car and opened his driver door and just started passionately kissing him and then sent him on his way.  It was pretty romantic, but my heart still wasn't really sure what it was doing.  It was feeling very confused.  But also felt comfort with Silver Fox.  I know that he actually respects me as a person as he's been putting in a lot of work to just be my friend after telling him I didn't want more. And it's been months of that. So that really means something to me.

Well I was already on Tinder and was already planning to meet with a rando that weekend while Silver Fox was out of town. And to my surprise I actually ended up meeting a great guy.  Super attractive.  Good chemistry. We went to a bar for a drink, and then were having so much fun we rented a scooter together and went to another bar and watched some live music.  And then we had a lovely kiss goodnight.  I wasn't mad.  But I was feeling a little guilty about the Silver Fox situation. But also, just really mourning the loss of Lumberjack too.  This guy was a personal trainer and also had a great beard. We'll just call him "Trainer."

So Trainer and I went out again and had dinner and a drink and then decided to end the night early so we could have a day date the next day.  We went up to gorge to walk along the sand and then we hiked Bridal Veil falls, then we went back into town and got some lunch and then walked at a park, all with my pup.  It was a lovely day! I enjoyed his company.  But something just was off.  I don't know if it's because I was just not that into him, or if I felt bad that I was on a date with him for Silver Fox's sake, or if I just missed my ex. Probably a combination.

Trainer kept texting me to hang out again and I was just kind of avoiding it until finally I texted him back that he should move on.  Timing just wasn't right. That's all I know for sure was the reason. My heart was also building a soft spot again for Silver Fox.  Not really sure what that was or is... but I'm not going to push it.   But what I do know, is that today I feel great!  I feel free from the pain of Lumberjack and I feel excited for the future! And I'm curious to see what the future holds with Silver Fox.  All I know is that there is mutual respect there, and I really can get behind that.  

And since I love dating blogs and the bachelor/bachelorette it's only natural for me to produce my own local dating reality show (with a bachelorette other than myself!)  I can't wait to plan more and to finally check that off my bucket list.  Hopefully the Bachelor will hire me once they see how amazing I do! :)  Life is Beautiful! <3 

I have a new hole in my heart. Undoubtedly placed where "lumberjack" filled the spot.  It's like I had a full storage space but moved things around to make room for him and when he left the space couldn't be filled again. Isn't it crazy how a human can do that to your heart?

Things in my life couldn't have been going better before I met him. Well, that's not true. lol.  But things were going pretty fantastic.  I felt so happy and alive before meeting him. And the first day we met I knew he was the one.  That's the part that stings the most.  Every first date I've ever had that I told the guy I had no chemistry with that didn't understand why, was all leading up to my first date with him, with Lumberjack.  He made my heart sing and dance, but he also made my heart burn and cry.  He held so much power over my emotions that I didn't know how to control them when it came to him. And with so much power over one's heart, I expected a lot.  I expected for my heart to be nurtured and protected.  But how do you expect someone to nurture and protect your heart that hardly knows your heart?  I suppose that's the hopeless romantic in me.  But unfortunately your heart can't tell who's going to be nurturing and protective of it when it falls.  Your heart gives you no warning sign that the person you're trusting with it just isn't capable of that, no matter how much you wish that to be untrue. 

There is no doubt in my mind that I was falling in love with Lumberjack.  We talked about the future.  About our future children.  The life we would plan together.  Our finances and how we would make it all work.  And I was all in wholeheartedly.  The girl that lives for adventure and solo trips was now excited to take someone with her and to go with him. Honestly, I think I did fall in love. As crazy as that sounds. And my heart wants to cry even typing that. Just knowing that I got THAT vulnerable.  In that first two weeks I would have eloped with him if he asked.  And I probably wouldn't be here typing this "breakup" blog because when I choose to marry someone whether on a romantic whim, or over years of working at it and choosing each other... I'm not going to give up. 

But I guess that's just it... We didn't get married.  And we both had the choice to stay or to go.  And although the first three weeks were magical, the last two were misery. For both of us.  It's like all communications failed.  We were speaking an entirely different language which, without "google translate,k" that can grow really frustrating.  It's sort of a fun adventure at first, but then damn it you want to speak the same language with the person you're trying to build a future with.  And not knowing if we'll ever be able to learn the other's language is a frightening future to look to.  Did we make the right choice by separating now when it was easy to? Knowing that we might not have ever spoken the same language? Or should we have just went for it and worked through it?  I don't think any choice is wrong, there.  But both people have to make the same choice. And that clearly wasn't happening.  When he was making the choice to continue, it felt like I wasn't. And when I was making the choice to continue, it felt like he wasn't.  We just never made the choice at the same time lol.  At least that's what it felt like. 

Of course, there's more intricacies to relationships than just speaking the same language.  And there was definitely more to ours. I know I felt like I was giving 110% to the relationship. I'm in school full time, have a very social life, and trying to give everything to this career so I can build a successful future life that has children and a home in it, yet literally every free second I had I was making sure I was calling him or texting him or spending time with him so he knew that I was serious and that I was going to do everything I could to make him feel special and appreciated, and that I was willing to sacrifice my downtime to accommodate his needs.  Maybe that was the wrong move?  In my VP1 class we were just told to undersell and overachieve in all of our jobs that way no client is disappointed.  Maybe that's how you're supposed to be in relationships too? ha ha. But seriously, it kind of makes sense.  I was giving everything I had and when I was asked to give more, it really was hurtful.  My 110% wasn't enough.  Where do you go from there? I was feeling defeated.  And I was probably starting to feel resentful that I was giving up my personal downtime for him, and then hearing ultimatums like "I'm fine with how much time you're giving now, but this won't work if it still happens in the future." Rather than seeing how much I was giving, he saw how much I couldn't give. Which, is fair. You're totally allowed to have your standards and wants and maybe I just wasn't enough for him? And I couldn't look him in the eye and truthfully say that I would give him more time when I graduate. Not that I wouldn't want to, but I do need to make sure that I start this career that can propel me and my family in to a comfortable lifestyle and I'm going to work my butt off to get there and that may mean less time together.  That kind of lifestyle doesn't work for everyone.  It's not my preferred lifestyle either.  But I guess my thought is, if you're in love you'll both find ways to satisfy each others needs. I dunno. Maybe that's naive of me...

And I know he was feeling the same way.  He felt he was giving me all of the emotional support he could give me.  But he also said, that's just not who he is.  So his 110% there wasn't feeling like it was enough for me either.  And it's just heartbreaking. To want something so bad with someone.  I'm an emotional being and I'm all about following ones heart over logic. But my heart and emotions were hurting because of the logic that he couldn't give me the emotional support I longed for in a partner. It's like all of the things I found attractive in him, the manliness the toughness, the I don't give AF attitude.  It was all so attractive for me and primal-y just made me want him so bad. Yet, it was killing me inside at the same time.  I felt not understood.  I felt I couldn't be sensitive with him, and I'm a sensitive being naturally. So there was no balance there. Again, was it right of me to walk away knowing I couldn't get the emotional support I longed for in a partner?  Logically, yes. But emotionally, no. I still wanted him. And still want him, honestly.  Which I want to kick myself for. 

There is a part of me that feels maybe the timing just wasn't right for us. Maybe if I would have waited to get on Tinder after I had graduated and already had my future job in place that maybe things would have gone smoother.  There would have been a lot less questions on how we were going to make it work.  And to be fair, he still had a lot of questions on what he wanted or what he was going to do with his career.  He was talking about moving to Montana and maybe moving somewhere else.  And I really want to stay in Portland near my family at this point in my life.  Would I have been willing to move to Montana with him for a period of time, yeah.  I would have. But I was starting to question if he even wanted me to.  And that's not good and didn't make me feel good. 

I know it probably sounds crazy to most of you reading this that in a month and a half two people could have had this intense of a relationship, but I want to believe that it was real.  It was real for me, at least I know that. So in that sense, it was real. I can't speak for him.

A naive part of my heart wants to believe that if I had all the things he was looking for right now that I would have been enough.  That just maybe when I do graduate and have the killer job, he'll wish he was with me and that we'll run into each other on a hike, or on Tinder lol, and both swipe right, start chatting again, get coffee as friends and then fall madly in love again and wonder why we never made it work in the first place... I'm sure this thinking is probably from watching too many rom coms.  But if it doesn't happen in real life I can write the ending I do want in either a song or a screenplay. :)

But that's also the thing, if I'm not enough for someone as I am now, I never will be. And logically, I know that. As hard as that is to admit to myself. And I know that the best way to move forward is to live my best life.  Keep working really hard at the things I want to accomplish.  Keep filling my cup with love and family and friends. Keep exercising and adventuring and doing the things that keep me whole as an individual and eventually I will hopefully fill whole again.  And when I do, that's when my heart will be open to meeting someone else. 

Which, speaking of, right now it's clearly not.  I totally hopped on Tinder a day or two after our split.  I just wanted to get out of the house and meet someone new.  Someone to get my mind off of things. Which btw, I also saw Lumberjack on there too.  Can't blame him, and even though I was on there too it still really stung. But, I matched with this guy who seemed nice enough! He asked me what I was looking for and I told him that I just got out of a whirlwind of a romance and that I was reeling from it and that I was looking for a distraction, not to be confused with a hookup.  He seemed to be okay with that since he recently was out of a long term relationship so I thought we were on the same page.  I just wanted some decent conversation.

We met at White Owl in SE which was by his place.  Literally he walked there.  And I had to drive 20 minutes.  I always think that's so rude when dudes suggest that we meet right by there place especially knowing where I live.  Where is the chivalry anymore?  I wanted to get out of the house enough that I agreed anyway. 

I get to White Owl and order myself a drink.  Leave the tab open because I don't know how the night is gonna go.  Maybe I'll be so impressed with this dude that I'll totally forget who Lumberjack is.  That's the hope, right?  They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. lol.  Except I had no intentions of getting under this dude ha ha. But, I was just hoping for a handsome distraction at least.  Well, I will say that plan totally backfired.

Dude shows up and he gets himself a drink.  We go to an outside table because the music was too loud inside.  And immediately, like within seconds I knew this was going to be an awkward date.   He just stared at me most of the night in awkward silence and I felt super uncomfortable.  I tried to joke around and laugh and make it less awkward, but dude was a little creepy and I could tell he was clingy.  I was almost itching in my own skin. lol.. Anyway, I didn't order another drink.  I lasted about an hr before I told him I was going to close my tab and head home.  

As I was leaving he was really trying to hint that he didn't want me to go home but all I wanted to do was run for the hills.  When I got home he texted me and told me how he was super into me and into "this."  Honey, there is no "this."  Let's get that straight. lol.  I was honest with him and told him there was no chemistry.  Then he asked what he did wrong.  And I explained how I felt when I  met Lumberjack. And he was convinced there was no way I could know by a first date.  I said, when you meet someone you just have an instant chemistry with, like I did with the last guy I dated, that's how you know it's worth a second date. He then said, "you're not with the last guy." Rude! lol.  No, he's right. I am not. But, dude, when a girl says she's not into you, believe her.  Arguing your case only shows how desperate you are which is not helping your case at all.  Sheesh. 

I went home that night and I just bawled.  I miss Lumberjack.  There is no doubt about it.  I  realized Tinder wasn't probably the best idea because being around more duds just makes you realize how much you miss your last guy. And I really do hope Lumberjack gets his happy ending too.  Not in an Asian massage happy ending kind of way lol, but more in a- I hope he finds the match that's best for him and gets the family he wants and is happy.  And since that's not me, I'm glad he realized that now for both of our sake and that neither of us waste any time.  I can respect that we weren't wanting to waste the others time.  If it's not right, it's not right.  I'll move on, because I need to. 

So, I'm off Tinder.  Trying to keep busy and keep kicking ass at life.  And I'm still holding out hope that I'll have the same kind of chemistry and passion off the bat that I did with Lumberjack with someone else in the future and that we'll be better matched.  Or that we meet again and have our rom-com happy ending.  Either way! lol.  It just feels good knowing that I'm open to love. And I always said that I would get my heart broken a million times over and over again knowing how much it hurts because the reward for love is greater than all of the pain from heartbreak.  

But know that I'm not super human.  I'm grieving. Deep. But I'm still motivated and maybe even more motivated now to keep going and to keep pushing.  When challenges and obstacles get thrown at you, you have to push through them.  And when you do, they feel that much greater!  So I'm looking forward to kicking ass my last few terms at PCC and at setting up my future on my own and going on a warm reasonable vacation or adventure this winter wherever that may be, and hopefully FINALLY fulfilling that bucket list to live that #vanlife or #buslife Or whatever it turns out to be! I'm ready! 

Ahh, love!  It sure makes life worth living, huh!? <3 

​It's officially been two weeks since I had my last "first" date with the sexy lumberjack. He's actually not a lumberjack lol.  He's a Fish Biologist, but for my blog sake I'm still gonna call him Lumberjack, cause "Fishy" doesn't sound as sexy. ha ha. 

Two weeks.  That's it? WTF. I've done more with him in the last two weeks than I did my entire last relationship. I am just over the moon excited to see where this goes. Like, I literally want to cry thinking about it. Blame my IUD on the hormones if you want, but I'm legit really stoked. I don't even know where to begin to fill you in at. 

Last we spoke (I wrote), We had 3 solid ass dates. right?  Or had we only had two?  Shoot. I don't remember.  I'm going to go back and look at my last blog. lol. ...
Okay. So we made it to date #3 last! 

What have we done since then? Well that Saturday (last Saturday) he went with me to the Wiener Dog Races at Oktoberfest!  He helped me on one side with Harri.  And that was so fun! My step Dad was there too and we all watched the weenies race and drank a couple of beers and it was super fun.  After that we went to a co-ed bachelor/bachelorette party that my sister was at.  So that's two family members in one day.  Check!  I thought it was only fair since I'd met his grandparents!  Oh wait!  I forgot!  We stopped in to see my Aunt at the bar she worked at in between the weenies and the party.  So that's 3 family members in one day.  Got him!  And really, if my family doesn't love you, it's going to be really hard for me to love you.  Not that it couldn't happen, but I trust my family, and if they don't love him I have some things to re-evaluate.  So far so good though!


Sunday I had my Internship Interview so we didn't stay out too late Saturday night.  Sunday I got the Internship and then met up with my sisters at a Park with my dog, Harri.  And Lumberjack had a spare minute and was close by so he stopped in to say hi.  He briefly met my other sister and her kids and then we were all leaving and he gave me a kiss goodbye.  Which I totally wasn't expecting and ended up giving him my eyeball to kiss. ha!  But I remember thinking how sweet it was that he was that confident to go in for the kiss right in front of my family and for only knowing me for Not even a week at that point!  Good work Lumberjack! ;)  Later that evening we met up for dinner and had wonderful conversation.  Dinner ended and we didn't want it to end so we went for a nice stroll around the neighborhood.  What an incredible first week!

Going from seeing each other for an entire week basically non-stop, we went to not seeing each other all week.  He had to leave to Astoria for work all week.  And I was back in school.  It's hard to run off to the beach when you have other obligations.  But we did really good at staying in touch.  Chatted on the phone for hours in the evening.  Texting a lot.  Just really solid communication.  That's one thing that I really love about him.  He matches me at communication which is really difficult to find in a partner. So aside from his sexy lumberjack physique, his mind is just as hot. 

We were literally texting mid week last week while I was taking a bath.  And I was looking at my phone and saw that I still had Tinder on my phone.  Honestly, after our first date I put both my Tinder and my Bumble profile to "hidden" so only people who I'd already matched with could contact me.  And anyone who did, I told them it was too late.  Since I was telling other guys it was too late, I figured I check in with Lumberjack.  I said something like, "should I still be on Tinder?" lol.  And then he was quick to say no.  That he didn't want to date anyone else and that I was all his and he was all mine. And it felt soooo good.  And so yeah, we are now exclusive.  I don't know if that means he's officially my boyfriend or not? I don't think it does.  But ladies, back off! ;P  When he asks me, I will obviously say "F Yes" Like that article.  You know that one that's always circling around that says don't date someone if you can't say "F yes" that you want to. Because if it's not an "F Yes" it's an "F No."  Yep. I'm officially that article. :) 

Okay, so it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies.  A mini storm blew in. So, the week was great, even not seeing each other.  And then he got back in town Thursday.  The day before he asked if he was going to get to see me.  So I told him my availability and that I would love to squeeze in at least a warm embrace.  Well Thursday night hits and I haven't heard from him all day. I'm off work at 9pm and I text and say, "hey did you make it home okay" And then he texted back that he "fell asleep" right when he got home.  Oh boy.  I've heard this before.  I mean, I can't expect too much from someone I'd hardly known for a week. So I'm beginning to think maybe he's not as interested, which is fine.  But I just like to be kept in the loop.  Again, big fan of communication. And I probably wouldn't have looked into it so much if he wasn't communicating with me so well this entire time.  So I felt like something was up.  So it was a little awkward.  Then we only texted that night.  And we'd spoken on the phone every other night before that.  So not hearing his voice, just gave me the Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride vibe.  Like the eye contact had been lost and I was getting ready for my sprints! 

Come Friday, I still have no idea what the vibe is.  We've only texted.  And I'm just not sure what's in his head.  Or what's in my head.  But I was definitely in my head about things.  Like the reality was setting in I've only known this guy for a week and a half now.  You can't expect too much.  And just try not to be too disappointed.  But you know what, I was at an "F Yes" all week and to hell if I'm not going to make some effort here.  I worked Friday all day and when I was done with work I had to go into the computer lab to work on a project.  Open lab was until 9 pm.  So I asked if he wanted me to come over after I was done and I could just say hi for a little bit.  He said yes, but again it didn't feel too enthusiastic over text.  Turns out the lab closed at 8 so I thought he would be excited about seeing me sooner.  I picked up the phone and called him and told him I was done earlier if he wanted to see me sooner.  Literally his voice was so monotone and so unenthused.  It was really adding to the fuel of me feeling like he just wasn't feeling it.  I pressed on and I met him at his place.  This was my first time there.  So a new environment was already a little intimidating. And we had an amazing first week and then hadn't seen each other.  Decided to be exclusive.  But there was just this white Elephant in the room. 

I think we watched shows and kissed a little and snuggled.  And it was nice.  But I was kind of backing out in my mind a little bit.  I must have built this whole thing up in my head to be greater than it was. And we just laid there in silence for a bit and I stared at the ceiling letting my mind take over in all the wrong ways. lol.  I finally spoke up.  I'm not sure why.  And just let him know that I felt weird and why.  And he said he knew something was up.  And that I threw him off by wanting to come over earlier. He wanted to shower first (even though he knows I LOVE smelly man smell... don't judge).  And he realized that he didn't sound very excited when I called. So it took some talking out of feelings but I left his place feeling pretty good that night.  Not in my head as much.  Just happy I was able to get it off my chest and not feel judged for it. 

I went home and got a good nights sleep that night and snuggled with my pup, Harri.  The next day we were planning on going to a wedding together.  I went to my sisters house at noon and helped watch her toddler while she got ready and then Lumberjack met me at her place at 3pm.  We went to the wedding and it was really lovely. My other sister and her kids and my brother in law and his parents were there. And he was just there hanging so well with all of them.  And I just really enjoyed my time with him.  We then went to the reception where my sister locked her keys in her car and he was super helpful and drove me to her house to pick up her spare keys.  And we drank, ate and were merry all night.  Even sang a little karaoke.  He was just so cute and so darn sweet.  And we even got into a few little tiffs where he was pushing my buttons and I was being stubborn, but he always came back around to me.  And I just really enjoy our conversations and interactions.  He pushes me a little which I like.  He asked me if I was out of my head yet, and I was.  Without a doubt.  I was right back there in it to win it with him. 

Sunday (yesterday) I had obligations with two sets of friends.  So he joined me.  We got happy hour with one of my very best friends in the world with her Hubby and baby and then some other close friends.  My besties hubby and him hit it off and were having a bromance which was really cool to see.  Then we met up with a really close friend of mine and her bf at a sports bar to watch a football game.  We chatted it up with them and I got the thumbs up there too.  

I'm not gonna lie, I'm super smitten and excited and want a future with him. And life is so short. Why not go all in?  I'm all in.  <3  That's so crazy to say that.  But I just know. I'm not going to rush and do anything too crazy.   I think feeling this way is enough crazy for two weeks. I still want to get to know him more and have so many adventures together and build a foundation.  But if this keeps up, I'm going to be one happy lady for a really long time... as long as he's cool with all the wiener dogs I want.  Working on it. ;) 

As most of you know, I posted on FB Monday that "I might have just had my last first date."  Let me give you the backstory on how we met.  Maybe not everyone reading this knows this about me, but my close family and friends know that I want to have babies and hubby in the near future if possible.  And actually after last week, I gave myself a 2 year deadline to meet that or I was going to buy some samples, and a Turkey baster for some DIY baby makin'! And to be clear, I know I could have both of those things right now if I wanted. But I won't just do that with anybody, so that's the real struggle.  Finding someone I want that with! 

I've been on a 2 week break from my college courses but the first week of break I was in Disneyland and focused on my bestie's wedding that was this past weekend. Crazy fun times.  Well I had a whole week of nothing to do after that, so I did a couple of things.  1. I got rid of a man in my life who I loved having in my life for the most part, but who was also toxic.  We had a wonderful friendship but sometimes the lines were a little blurry on our feeling for each other.  And ya know, after 8 years of doing that dance something in me just said, no more.  Gotta go! Austa La Vista, baby! It felt SO good to finally let go of whatever that was. I was feeling alive and free and actually kinda bored.  My schedule has been so crazy busy that I didn't know what to do with my down time.

I've had a love hate relationship with online dating.  In fact, I even did a speech about it in my speech class a couple of terms ago.  It's all so interesting.  But I thought, what the heck.  I'm just going to be super honest and put out there what I'm looking for.  My plan was to meet as many people as I could this week so that the odds would be ever in my favor that maybe I would like at least one of them.  But this was the week I was free so I thought it would be a good week to try for some dates!  No messing around.  Meet up or go home! 

I made a profile on both Tinder and Bumble because those are the two sites I've had the best of luck with in the past.  The problem with Bumble is that as a woman, you have to be the first to reach out.  On Tinder it can be anyone.  And because I'm already doing all the work on Bumble reaching out, I won't even attempt a reach out on Tinder. I think that's fair.  It's most of the same pool of men on both sites anyways!

My profile had some pictures of me and my dog, and the rest with my family and me or my nieces and nephews with myself.  I wanted to be super blunt in my profile so nobody had the wrong idea of what I was looking for!  This is what it read in a nutshell, "I'm a huge family girl... No Kids. Never married. Want both!... Looking to meet as many people as I can this week but only if you're looking for something serious and want babies!.."   I'd say I made myself pretty clear.  So for most people on Tinder, they're probably going to swipe left to that because the majority is looking for a hookup.  

So the guy I went on a date with Monday- his profile read, " I've got about 5 years to find an amazing woman to marry and start a family.  If that fails, I'm going to have to look into a mail order bride. But seriously, if you're not looking for something similar, it's probably not going to work out." ... Three words.... HOT HOT HOT!  How did he know that's EXACTLY the kind of profile I would super like if I was a creeper!? I'm willing to meet half way and have babies in 3 1/2 years instead of 5 like he wants and 2 like I want.  (That's probably a lie, I don't like waiting.) lol.  

Now that we have a backstory.  We matched on Tinder.  He messaged me Monday the morning that we matched and we had a nice decent convo.  I even told him my plan to buy sperm.  It didn't seem to scare him away!  We talked about living out of a short bus/tiny home together and going snowshoeing in a cabin hostel in the winter and he just seemed so down for the cause and full of adventures that I would be on board with.  So I was bold and said, let's meet! 

That's when he started waffling around saying "well... I'm free this weekend." Brah, it's only Monday.  My attention span is short enough as it is.  Chances are if you wait until Tuesday I'm not going to have any clue who you are, let alone want to meet you.  So if you want to wait till the weekend that's your gamble, but don't say I didn't warn you!

I pretty much said, if you want to meet tonight instead, here's my number. Call me. No pressure.  He ended up calling and we met up for Drinks at Roscoes in SE. We had an amazing connection. In fact, he mentioned we matched 2 years ago when I had just moved back to Nashville and that I really left an impression on him and said, "I should have just married you two years ago." I unfortunately didn't remember him. But I have a memory like Dory. ;) 

I really wanted to kiss him at the end of the night.  He did too.  But thought we should wait.  I thought it was sweet, but actually kind of torture at the same time.  I'd rather know right away if I never want to kiss you again so I don't have to waste a 2nd date! lol. 

 Monday date #1 at Roscoes.  Score of the date: 110% -lifelong partner material

Tuesday date#2 Friend date watching swift birds at Chapman elementary school with picnic. Score of the date: 75% Which honestly is still pretty good considering how I score dates.  And the reason it was such a low score is because I was specifically looking for red flags on this date.  Date 1 was too good to be true.  What could his flaws be?  Well, it turns out he went to the SAME high school as the guy I just cut from my life that I did the blurred lines dance with for 8 years and is good friends with said dudes brother.  What are the odds of that?  And also, the only mutual friend we have happens to be the very last guy I sort of dated.  So it kind of threw me off.  The 75% isn't necessarily HIS score.  But just my overall feelings after the date on how it went. 

Wednesday date#3 Dinner at his grandparents house in Eugene, OR followed by snuggle sesh in a hotel with my dog.   What's sweet about this date, is that I told him I was gonna be SUPER busy come monday when school starts back up and that this would be a really good week to spend some quality time with me.  So he asked if I would meet him in Euguene.  He had to work there Wednesday and Thursday (today) and his company was putting him up in a hotel.  He told me to come on by and have dinner with him and his grandparents (who raised him) and to bring my dog and afterwards we can hang out at the hotel and watch some goofy shows and relax and cuddle.  Honestly, normally there is NO way I would want to do that with someone I hardly know.  But I wanted to.  At least I thought I did.  I was about 75% sure I wanted to since it was piggy-backing off my feelings from the 2nd date.  So many awkward coincidences.  But date #1 was SO good, I owed it to myself to go down there.  His grandparents were so sweet and so funny and I was bantering with them all night.  It felt really comfortable and really easy.  It was nice.  And nice to see him in a different element that he's more comfortable in.  Then we went back to his hotel and watched Tru TV.  That prank show with the 4 guys and just laughed our butts off and snuggled.  And I got that first kiss. :) I'd say I'm back to 100% right now excited to see him again.  

I don't know if he's going to be the one or not.  But what I do know is that I'm thoroughly enjoying the moment that I'm in, and I really want to see him again.  And the fact that he's putting in so much effort already is a really good sign. But I vow to take it one day and date at a time and not to have any expectations.  Just going to go with the flow and see where it goes.  Because luckily if he's not the one, I've got a date with a Turkey baster in 2 years! ;) #NoPressure

​​

Not a picture of him... but he kinda looks like this! #lumberjack #sexy

I was proposed to today.  By Letter. Not something I was expecting... at. all. A lot of emotions came over me, but the pressing one was that the question came about 15 years too late from him. Also, not the way I would have imagined being proposed to for the first time. I love watching the Bachelor and the Bachelorette and I'm a big fan of the idea of love at first sight. There's even a new show on ABC that comes on after the Bachelorette called "The Proposal"  Where there's like 15 contestants and they narrow it down to two and then One person proposes or gets proposed to.  It's actually quite exhilarating and romantic and I  think it would be fun to be on a show like that. :)  Don't judge! 

As you all know, I do the dreaded dating sites because I suppose it's the thing to do in 2018.  But let me tell you, its rough. The other week I matched with a dude.  We had a good initial conversation that wasn't just, "Hey how was your day?" with a "your comment has been liked" back. Now that the dating apps are giving the people the option to like comments, that's about as far as the interaction is progressing lol. SMH.  Anyway, this guy and I were having a solid conversation.  He looked cute from his pictures and I was into it.  Then he asked me about my schedule and I mentioned that I was busy.  Cause aren't we all?! But I let him know that even though I was busy I would do my best to make the time for a partner and hopefully involve them in some of my busy schedule. And he all of a sudden got really defensive and talked about how he didn't even want to bother putting the time into someone that's busy.  I felt like I was on the defense and having to explain myself.  He started telling me that he didn't want to date someone that only had time when it was convenient for them and that he has a life too.  It was really odd because in no way was I implying that I wouldn't try to make time to be in my partner's life too and that compromises would obviously have to be made, but he took it as if I were totally into myself because I have a busy life.  It almost seems as though everyone online is on the defense and nobody actually wants to put any effort in.  And a lot of days I feel the same way.  It's turned into more of a way for a chance to get arthritis in my thumbs more than anything. To the Left! 

For those of you that online date, and for myself, I think a lot of the reason we do it is for convenience.  It's really hard to make connections in real life with other singles when we live such busy lives.  Especially if we want to keep our work/professional relationships just that. It would be SO convenient for me to date someone that I already hang out with, or work with, or run in the same circle with, but I really don't want to mix business with pleasure.  And like I said, I'm really big on the idea of a love connection at first sight.  When I meet the man of my dreams I want my heart to be pounding so hard that it hurts.   Not interested in getting coffee as a first date to really have to think hard about whether or not I want to progress to a lunch date. ugh. lol. 

I've been entirely busy lately but I had a couple days off between spring and Summer term at school so I decided to try to set up a couple of dates.  I went on one in the evening and grabbed dinner and then another one the next day for lunch.  And both were, meh! Both guys were nice, and good looking, but really quite boring.  And neither wanted a family.  Where are my outgoing, charismatic, handsome men that want a family and are not duds?  You're probably on my next vacation, cause you're definitely not in Portland.  Where should I go to next?  I'm craving my next adventure! 

It's been a hot minute since I've written you.  And last you heard, "Cowboy" was reelin' me in.  Well, today was a different story.  I was in my OBGYN's lobby and 2 people asked me if I was pregnant. Ouch.  The kicker is, I was swiping on Tinder as they asked me. Woops! I take that back, the actual kicker is that I was going in to talk to her about having my IUD removed.  So does that mean that whoever I was swiping right to on Tinder at that moment was going to get me pregnant if I had my IUD removed?  Lol.  Maybe it was a warning sign from the high all mighty him/herself! Or maybe it was a sign that mister right was being swiped on in that moment!  Cause honestly, that scenario wouldn't be so bad!  I like babies.  I want babies.  I had a hard time not saying, "I wish" when asked.

The crazy part about being asked if I was pregnant twice today is that I literally have never been asked that before in my life. And here I was being asked twice in a matter of minutes.  I know that it doesn't seem that crazy to be asked while hanging out in your OBGYN's lobby.  I'm just hoping I had a "glow" to me which is why they asked, and not a food baby lol. Or Beer baby. ha ha. 

It was weird though, I ran into a guy in what appeared to be construction gear at the elevator and as I pushed the button to go up, he says to me, "Story of my life.  Every time I run into a pretty girl we're going opposite ways."  Kind of took me by surprise that he said that but I awkardly fumbled on my words trying to tease him back.  

Feeling safe once I reached my OBGYN's office, a couple minutes later he comes in and says, "wow.  So we meet again!" And then he talked to some people at the front desk and as he left he looked at me and said, "congrats if you're pregnant." lol.  Either I was looking extra bloated today or he had a really awkward way of finding out if I was single. lol.  First time that line's been used!  

Again, it doesn't seem too weird I was asked in my OBGYN's office that question. BUT, let me tell you.  I've been seeing an OBGYN annually for about 15 years now and sometimes more than annually for different reasons and in 15 years not ONCE was I asked this.  And literally just minutes later I saw a young mom, her 3 month old baby, and the young mom's mother walk out and I asked a few friendly questions about the babe and said congrats.  Like anybody would do.  And the young mother's mom asked, "are you pregnant?" lol.  I said, "not but you're actually the second person who's asked me that today!" omg! ha ha.  She laughed and apologized and said, " that's probably not something I should be asking random people."  I actually wasn't offended because I don't particularly feel fatter than normal today.  If anything, I'm glowing because I'm so happy with the direction my life is going right now.  Which is a really awesome thing to say.  I'm LOVING going to school for video production.  With all my heart.  This. Is. My. Jam. 

But I'm going to now address the question that you're all wondering... "I thought you weren't going to be on dating apps anymore?"  Well, I'd really like to believe that.  Because they can be SO time consuming and soul sucking and really disheartening at times. But I have a bad case of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)... that whole, "what if?" scenario plays through my mind a lot.

I'm really just too busy to be dating right now anyway.  But that doesn't mean I don't want to be. And that doesn't mean I've lost all hope in online dating.  It's like , some of my best friends have found their hubbies online, so if it can happen for them then it can happen for me too.  Doesn't mean it will, but I'll never know.  I've just decided to delete it when I'm not feeling it.  And when I am feeling it and have some time to meet up I should turn it on.  Plus the weather is getting nicer and it's just nice to have people to meet!

So, now that the air is cleared that I am back on dating apps.  And this time it's Tinder instead of Bumble.  I liked bumble before because the female is in control.  But this time around because I'm so busy I actually don't have enough time to keep up with the rule you must message someone first within 24 hrs.  It doesn't work for my schedule.  And to be honest, I'm still a little old fashioned and it's attractive when a man it the pursuer.  I can't shake that want.  I know we're at a point where women should have equal rights, etc, and I think we should.  But I still want a man to talk to me first, show interest, and pursue me.  Take me out and treat me (at least in the beginning)... but I don't know, I always want to feel like my guy is "dating" me. Maybe that's not very 2018 of me, but I want the guy to always treat me when we're going out.  Not that I won't go out of my way to treat him, and spoil him on occasion too. But there's something culturally about wanting that. Sorry if this offends anyone, but that's just the real non PC truth about how I feel.  I'm not saying that it's right and that maybe I shouldn't try to work on not feeling that way, lol.  But it's pretty ingrained in me.  And gifts, I realized as much as I hate to admit it, are definitely one of my love languages.  When a guy gets me something because he thought of me or it reminded him of me, or he knew I would love it... it makes me feel understood and appreciated and really warm and fuzzy. ha ha. 

So now that you've learned a little tid-bit about one of my love languages, let me fill you in on Cowboy and my dating life.   Well, Cowboy and I had a nice dinner.  We met half way in Hood River which I was happy to do because I was that into him.  And the fact that he offered to meet me closer to my end of town was nice.  But for a first date I thought half way was appropriate. And since we'd driven so far away and had such a strong connection initially, I thought for sure we'd get dinner and then maybe get a drink, or ice cream or walk around or something!  But, literally none of that happened.  He was ready to go home.  Well that was a bit of a bummer.  And an unmet expectation which wasn't his fault necessarily, but still it was a turn off. 

And since then, we've talked about hanging out and the two times I invited him to do something he's said he was going to come and was excited and then cancelled the first time because of an injury.  Sprained his ankle and didn't want to walk around which is understandable.  And the 2nd time he was a no call no show.  Until the next day when I received a text that he was sorry and "apparently" couldn't handle his alcohol.  And then I was reminded why women in their 30's don't date 27 year olds. lol.  He's not a bad kid, but, he's a kid. 

So there you have it folks, I'm single. On Tinder, but don't have time for it.  Got asked if I was pregnant twice today and regretted it both times that I had to say no. Lol.  I like being treated by my man and receiving gifts .  Turns out I'm not pregnant, but they actually did find a cyst on my right ovary. Yay. (not) And cowboy is too young for me.  But the good news is, I love going to school and the career path I'm on.  And of course I am always and will forever be obsessed with my weenie Harrie!  Much love! xoxo

Oh shoot.  I forgot to update you on my other dates.  I've been on 3 or 4 tinder dates so far.  I don't remember any of their names and probably couldn't pick them out in a crowd. ha ha.  That's all! :)  I'll let you know if something juicy happens though, I promise! Muah! 

​-D

Alright, so I know I said I was off the dating train... but y'all I met the cutest cowboy today!  And of all places a tire shop! If that's not a country music song right there, I don't know what is!  

​It all started this Friday night.  One of my really good friends was getting married at the courthouse.  So I carpooled with a buddy.  Met him at his work and we rode downtown together.  He dropped me off at home that night after the wedding and dinner and I thought nothing of it.  I woke up the next morning to go to work only to panic that my car wasn't in my driveway.  It got stolen!  I called my boss in tears!  Only to realize 30 seconds later, oh wait- I carpooled last night and never got a ride back to my car. lol smh.  Good start to the weekend, Dallas.  

​Come Sunday I have to work again, but for a new company and literally on my way to work I get a flat tire!  Could anything else in the universe go wrong with my car this weekend?! Seriously! lol.  So I put the donut on my car to drive home and decided to go to the tire shop today.  Well turns out the closest shop that I had my warranty was in Gresham so I made the drive there. 

​And of course today was so beautiful.  High of 70.  Sun shining.  I was feeling no pain.  I waited in a long ass line as people were growing impatient and I was still smiling (Which isn't always the case... sometimes I'm the grumpy one in line too but not today!)  I DID notice this handsome young gentlemen in the store but I wasn't going to say anything to him... but we caught glances a couple of times.

​As I was waiting I decided to go outside to wait and enjoy the sunshine.  A gentleman around my age maybe a little older and his dad were outside with me shooting the breeze.  They were probably a little red-necky lol. But still nice.  And I kept seeing that cute guy out of the corner of my eye but again, didn't think much of it.  Pretty sure I noticed some cowboy boots and designer jeans so I thought for sure this dude was likely a D bag Bro...

​I got up to use the restroom and when I came back, Cowboy was sitting down close to where I was sitting and sparked up conversation.  Asked how it was going.  We made small talk of the weather, and the next thing you know we were just chatting each other's ears off!  There was a ton of really positive energy and he was even cuter when he spoke with his southern accent.  Oh man!  

​He had literally just moved from Texas a week ago for work and had made no friends yet!  He lives between hood river and the Dalles but his tire shop was also in Gresham. What a serendipitous coincidence! He was such a sweetheart and I was smitten. The cute grin and southern drawl was not hurting his situation. I decided to just be bold and asked him if he moved here with a family or moved alone.  He said alone. (score!) And him asking me if I had a family I'm pretty sure was a good sign.

​Then all of a sudden his truck was done.  They brought it around so we had to say goodbye... I blurted out, if you need a friend we should hang out!  And then he asked for my number!  And shortly after we left he texted me... and we've been texting back and forth since!  I did find out he's a little bit young.  He's 27.  I don't even think my online dating settings were set that low lol I guess because I didn't expect to be having a connection with someone that young.  But he's just so darn sweet!  Even if it's not a romantic connection (which it totally is at this point)... Then I still want to take him in and show him an awesome time in Portland cause that's what good people do for other good people!  

​To be continued... ;) 

Well I went on another date!  Finally... after Silver Fox and I failed.  It really was a bummer.  But I just have to keep my head high and remember that I am worth a lot.  We all have a past or so called "baggage" that we're carrying into a new relationship, but if someone is going to hold that over you or ask to be rewarded for NOT holding that over you (smh)... then there's a respect issue there.  Aint nobody got time for that nonsense. 

So let me tell you about the new gentleman I met.  We will call him Red Fox.  I want to say he was 6'5" tall...which is really sexy to me.  He had a fantastic personality.  And we had good easy conversation.  You can't really ask for a much better first date... BUT... and yes there IS a BUT!  There was just no spark for me.  How do you explain that?  I don't really know.  But there was nothing inside of me that said "F Yes!"  I wouldn't miss not seeing him again, so I really don't see the point in seeing him again.  And I feel like he probably felt the same.  Like conversation wasn't bad, but didn't feel like he was feeling a spark either.  Some people can just be cool and not click romantically!  And that's okay.

And now as I keep trying to write my final speech for my class and I'm on Bumble... I have like 80 dudes I'm trying to keep a conversation with and trying not to be short with any of them.  And it is really time consuming an I'm feeling overwhelmed and over it.  I'm also ovulating right now which means I should be REALLY excited to be meeting new dudes, but I'm just not.  I'm so busy and it feels like a chore to go out with any of them.  Maybe it's because I'm not feeling an "F Yes!" to want to meet any of them.  Yikes!  Not a great sign.  Or maybe it's because I'm so busy kicking ass at life right now, that I don't want anybody to bring me down.  Like I really don't even have the time or energy to date because I have SO many other things I would rather be doing with my time and money.  I think that I'm just gonna take is solo for a while... and really focus on just kicking ass at life and music and school and my dog, and saving money, and traveling... and if a dude lands somewhere along the way then so be it.  But I'm taking a break from the dating apps.  It's official.  I guess I should go message all 80 guys and let them know. lol.  Hate it when I get ghosted!   

So what do y'all think?  Should I go 3 months?  6 months?  A year... without any dating apps?  Maybe I won't want to go back... they're kind of addicting.  And I just want some space.  Should I do a year without?  I'm kind of feeling that.  I think a year would be a good amount of time.  And then if I come back maybe there will be a fresh load of people?! lol (probably not). ha ha.  Anyhoo!  Love yas! 

​Peace! 

January 21st.  That was the last you heard from me.  I was dating Silver Fox and we decided to be exclusive.  Well... It's now only March 3rd... and it's been over a week since things fizzled out there.  BUT, the good news is that it's better to know up front! And you know what's terrible and awesome at the same time?  After getting back from my sister's wedding in Nicaragua and letting the magic of her love make me realize that I deserve that too... I ALSO may have binge watched Bachelor Winter Games yesterday... and y'all!  If you are part of Bachelor Nation, then you know how amazing it is that Ashley I found love!  And if she can find a dude that good for her, then so can I.  And so can you!  I'm holding out!  So fella's... listen carefully... if I know you, and we haven't dated already... it's because you're in the friend zone and that's where you'll stay. No offense. lol. Just keepin it real!  I'm sick of my inbox blowing up after doing this dating blog with guys who I thought were my buddies, trying to hit me up like they want to date me.  That's not what this blog is about.  It's about meeting NEW people and seeing what's out there for me, but also for giving other people hope and encouraging people to never give up on love.  I'm a hopeless romantic, what can I say!  Just not this week!  Don't call me.  Don't ask me out.  Leave me alone. ha ha.  But seriously... K, thanks, Bye. :)  Oh also, to answer the blog comment below about getting back on Tinder/Bumble... I did it this week.  It was a good distraction to swipe while mourning the loss of the silver fox... BUT also HELLA annoying.  So, I'm off again.  Not to say I won't be on in the future... But I need a better head space for that.  Taking a breaky-poo! Peace! :)

-D 

​Well you will be glad (or not) to know that I DID hear from Silver Fox.  He texted me somewhere a few days later saying he missed me and that "we need to make some plans babe."  This was after he saw that I posted a video of me singing a song suggesting I wasn't sure where we were at. lol.  He literally liked my post and texted me a second after. #GotHim lol  Sometimes you just have to Taylor Swift someone for them to get it. ;)

​So we made plans for Saturday and Sunday of last week.  Friday night I texted to confirm plans and he was in shock about our plans for Saturday and had made plans to go to the beach instead.  I pretty much let him know that that was super disrespectful to not value my time and that I wake up early or stay up later getting the things I need to get done in a day in order to make time to see him, so when he cancels plans that is complete disrespect. And I do it not because I have to but because I want to.  His explanation that was in his mind when he said we should hang Saturday and Sunday he thought that meant one or the other.  Which btw, it doesn't.  lol.  But in any case I decided to make plans for Sunday with someone else because I wasn't being shown the respect that I deserved.  I made a 2nd date with the guy I'd seen the week before.  The one that was a film maker that I had a connection with but was still deciding my attraction level on. 

​I let Silver Fox know that I'd made plans for Sunday already and that if he wanted to see me at all that day he would have to see me between kickball and my evening plans (which happened to be another date).  I had about a 3 hr window where he could see me.  So, to my surprise he jumped on it.  He called me right when I was done with kickball (yes he actually picked up the phone!) and asked to meet me.  So he met me at the bar where the teams were celebrating the sunny day!   I had my wiener, Harri with me. And then after we had a drink at that bar we went to visit my Aunt at her bar and that was super fun.  Then him, me and my Aunt went to a dive bar to watch some live music.  The funny part was, I was still wearing my knee pads from kickball.  I was dirty and sweaty, and didn't care that I was going to be arriving to my 2nd date with the other dude like that.  I wanted to be in that moment with Silver Fox for as long as I could.  The way he'd touch my back.  Or randomly kiss me.  Seriously it's all the things that I hope for from a partner in the physical touch regard.  It's not too much.  But just enough to keep you wanting more. Which made me so mad at myself for enjoying it because I was supposed to be mad at him.  But he just has a way with me when I see him in person.  It's not fair really. ;) 

​Fast forward to my date with the other guy that night.  It was okay.  I mean, I enjoyed the live music that I saw with him.  And was having a nice time.  But didn't think too much of it.  He asked if I wanted to go back to his place to watch a documentary.  And it was early enough so I decided to join for a bit, with every intention of going home afterwards.  And to be honest, I had been drinking with Silver Fox all day.  Drank at my Kickball game before that.  And went to a Scentsy party that morning and had mimosas.  So by the time I was at this dudes house I was pretty toasted.  He went in for the kiss and it was just super awkward.  I remember thinking to myself as he's kissing me, "How do I get out of this?" And as I'm thinking that the next thing I know is this guy grabs me and lifts me on top of him.  Almost IMMEDIETLY I get off him and ask him to cool it.  He does.  And I fall asleep.  Next thing I remember is being carried to his bed.  Literally I'm so exhausted from the long day and with the alcohol I'm not really as coherent as I'd like to be and he carries me to his bed and lifts me on top of him again and starts trying to make out with me.  Like dude, I already told you no.  And you're doing it again.  Like he just didn't get the hint.  I finally came to and got myself the F out of there and went home.  It was so awkward and uncomfortable and he had no idea.

​Which brings me to another topic that is kind of a hot button issue right now. The Aziz Azari thing.  Or however you spell his name.  I'm sure you've read the article about the girl who was sexually assaulted by him.  And he had no idea.  Some people agree and some people disagree.  But it struck a hard chord with me because I literally was just in her shoes and I thought you know what?  Instead of being part of the problem and not letting a guy know verbally that he was in the wrong I'm going to go ahead and let him know that I was uncomfortable with the way he was coming on to me especially after asking him to cool it.  Wanna know what his response was, "I can't read minds."  Well yeah, that's why in the moment I told you.  Ya know?  If someone is even the slightest bit hesitant.  Take THAT as your answer.  You never want to have a sexual encounter with someone that you're not really sure if they're into it or not.  Don't assume that because you're into it that they are too.  And that's the take away. For me, I need to be more vocal in the moment about it instead of trying to be nice (which btw women have been conditioned to do and it's not easy breaking that.).  But no more.  I'm speaking up even if the guy doesn't want to hear it and you should too.  And guys, please listen.   He had actually texted me the next morning something flirty like the night before wasn't super awkward.  And to his defense, he WAS apologetic when I first told him.  But when I didn't agree to have another date with him is when he got salty and told me he wasn't a mind reader.   Don't be that guy. 

​Back to Silver Fox.  Who has never ONCE made me feel uncomfortable or pushed me into something he wasn't sure we were both into.  So yes, it's possible for men to behave well.  This slimy guy from the night before was making Silver Fox look pretty shiny!  And when Silver Fox invited me to his house the next night to watch the Bachelor and made me vegetarian enchiladas he was now my knight in shining armor and didn't even know it.  Such a breath of fresh air.  And we watched a WAY better movie this time.  Well actually it had some dirty humor but I thought it was hilarious.  Bad Grandpa or something.  With Robert Dinero and Zac Effron.  Hilar! And he asked me to spend the night and I was more than happy to.  Felt good.  We had a lovely evening, and even lovelier morning and no boundaries were pushed too far.  Like, Men- take notes! 

As you can imagine, this whole Silver Fox thing was leaving me feeling so confused. I have this great man right in front of me, that just is confusing the hell out of me.  Does he like me?  Maybe he really likes me?  Or wait, he's showing signs of being not that into me. But then goes ahead and makes me dinner and treats me right and then I'm left wondering how I could think he wasn't into me.  So many conflicting signals! He sucks at communication when we don't see each other, which is probably working to his advantage in a total F'd up way.  It's literally making me crazy not getting a good read on him.  And probably making me like him more.  Ugh. lol. 

​So I just might as well ask him what is up, "cause I'm tired of asking myself.  Are we just a backseat tryin' to get it while we can?  Are we names in a tattoo or just a number on a hand?  Are last call kissin or will we be reminiscin' with each other for the next 40 years?  Are we written in the stars baby?  Or are we written in the sand?"  Old Dominion.  Great song.  And SO relevant for me right now! 

​Tuesday-Thursday go by and we don't see each other but there's a TINY more communication in between lol.  SO I see him Friday night.  He really wants to see me but I literally have zero time that week.  Which totally sucked.  But I want him to know that I am going to value his time and make the effort because that's important to let someone know you're making the effort. We're all busy, but we can make time for those that we want to see.  Period.  Plan was to see him after class Friday but I got a wrench thrown in the plans.  My teacher gave me an assignment due the next morning at 9am.  I called him (yes, I picked up the phone too) and let him know I was going to have to do my homework that night.  But that even if I only saw him for an hour I was going to finish and make it happen because he was worth it to me.  So that's what I did.  I saw him. We met at a Harri friendly pub and had a beer together.  And I just straight out asked him, "what are your intentions with me?'  I think I caught him a little off guard with the question but I didn't care.  I wanted to know, and the only way I was gonna know was to ask him.  

​He got a little squirmy but then went on to tell me that he would love to date me exclusively and that he hopes that I want that too.  And turns out I do.  :) He was also super cute and told me that when he went beer tasting with me and my family that he went back to his favorite brewery and when they asked him who he was with it was natural for him to say his gf and her family.  Even though technically wasn't his gf.  And I don't think being exclusive means that I am either right?  Eek. lol.  It just means that we're dating each other only now in hopes that it can get there?  Am I right?  No, really... is that correct? lol. Or am I going to be out with him next week and him introducing me as his gf?  I didn't really think that one through.  I was just thinking exclusive.  But, I guess I'll find out like I did when we went on our first date and I didn't know it until he blurted it out loud to the band. ha ha.  

​He also mentioned that night that since he'd met some of my family it would be nice for me to meet some of his.  I thought that was cute.  And he actually said that even before I asked him what his intentions were. :)   Things seem to be moving in a positive direction for me and this handsome Silver Fox.  And I'm not mad about it! But I won't lie... his lack of texting communications skills is about to drive this old lady insane! So we still need to sort that out.  But we had a lovely lunch today and I'm going to his house tomorrow night for the Bachelor again where he's making me baked beets! And then Tuesday we're going to hike Forest Park together with Harri. So I'm happy to say that things are going well for this Bumble Bee and that I am no longer on Bumble. And I can't say where it's going to go or if his texting is going to get better or not. (I hope so!)  But I'm very much willing to put in the effort to find out.  So now that Silver Fox and I have decided to be exclusive this dating blog probably won't be as entertaining (or much appropriate either)... Which means I'll be signing off.  But hopefully I can find something just as entertaining to blog about so you don't miss me too much! ;) Kisses!  Thanks for joining me on this crazy dating journey!   And also, I hope more than anything it's been motivating for some of you to put yourselves out there cause you never know when a silver fox might surprise you! <3