So it starts: 

The Beginning
In honor of infertility awareness week that is all up in my feeds, I thought I would be brave and share my journey that not everybody knows. Because in the past, I've definitely been the one lurking in the background finding solace in other people's journeys that strongly resemble mine. I figured, there's no better time than the present to share my personal story in case it helps even one person feel not alone, or seen. 

It started in 2020 when I turned 35 and needed to get a dermoid cyst removed from my ovary. When they went in to operate they found a cyst with hair, and bone and cartilage and even brain! I like to joke that my ovaries have a mind of their own! lol. They also found endometriosis and told me I might want to start thinking about family planning before the endo gets worse. 

Trying + IUI (Taking Action on the Plan)
So, I made a plan with my OBGYN to buy some donor sperm and attempt to become a single mom by choice. My first thought was that I'd buy one vial and do a "Turkey Baster" at-home insemination and just see what happens. If it was meant to be it was meant to be, and if not, then I would go about being childless!

I had always joked about buying donor sperm if I never found a man I wanted to procreate with, but I always thought that I would find someone. Yet, here I was, acting on my jokes. Honestly, it was empowering. A little annoying having to justify it to multiple men who had their ego's bruised that a woman could choose to do something without them, (gasp!). But also, it helps you find your people real quick!

I joined this amazing community of bad ass women all looking to do the same thing as me. I didn't feel sorry for one woman in this group. They were all successful in their careers, beautiful, confident, intelligent women, who all just so happened to want a family but hadn't found a partner they wanted to do that with. It gave me so much more confidence knowing I not only wasn't alone, but that I had a tribe of amazing women going through the same experiences as I was. 

My OBGYN convinced me that I should at least give IUI a shot (intra-uterine insemination) where they take the washed sperm and put it directly in your uterus so the sperm didn't need to swim as far to reach your egg and you were more likely to conceive that way. It was a little pricier than I wanted, but I figured I'd only need to do it one time. I mean, our whole lives we've been told that we need to be extremely careful or we'll get pregnant. How hard could it be?! 

One IUI, turned to multiple IUI's and no positive pregnancy test. The women in my original group were getting pregnant and moving on from the group. That was hard and sad and exciting for them, but I felt I must be up next. It's got to be my turn soon! I even bought a few baby onesies and some maternity clothes as I'd find cute ones, dreaming of the day I would be pregnant and expecting my own little one. 

The "I'm just going to give it one shot, to try one IUI and see if it works" turned into being a prisoner to my fertility clinic. After several failed IUI's, I grieved. I was no longer going to try. Yet, something wasn't settled in me. How does one just give up on their child? Albeit, an unborn child, but still I felt a strong pull. 

New Year New Me + IVF (What Will People Think?)
After about a year away from fertility treatments failing, I got a new job that just so happened to have amazing fertility insurance. They actually would cover almost the entire cost of one IVF cycle per year. Well, I figured that was my sign to try just one more time. Because, IVF is pretty much a guarantee, right? I mean, that's what everything you read in pop culture and media tells you. So, I had to move on to a different sperm donor because my original donor was sold out. I was going to do IVF. 

In the meantime, I've only told a select few people in my circle what I was doing because the constant judgment was real. To add insult to injury, at the same time all of this has been happening, my two long time best friends and I who started this journey together and wanted to be pregnant at the same time both got pregnant and had their kids and are even on to another kid.  It's hard not to feel like you're stuck in limbo and left behind while everyone else is moving on without you. 

I was even too scared to tell my mom for fear of how she would not only judge me, but make me feel. I talk to my mom every day on the phone during almost every poop walk I take my dog on, but I just knew in my heart I would be terrified to tell her I was doing this on my own. She had always wanted me to have a partner in life, and I also think she was tired of being a new grandma. The excitement wore off and the reality was she was already a grandma x5 with my other sisters! 

Eventually after my first attempt at IVF failed, I decided to tell my mother. Because now I was telling her, " I tried something and it failed, but I wanted to let you know what I've been up to." It was less scary to tell her I was done trying than to have the judgment of "why are you trying this?"

It unfortunately didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I was met with "All you have to do is know when you're ovulating." and " It's not that hard to get pregnant." Oof. That stung. She meant well, and she used the knowledge that she personally had.

That's the thing of infertility. Most people don't have the knowledge that you have about it because they were never forced to go through something as traumatic as infertility. And they only have the tools and knowledge of lived experience unless they make a point to learn more. As hard as it was, I tried to offer grace here and to others. 

There have been a lot of hurtful/ignorant comments along the way of my journey from, "You can always adopt" to "just have a one night stand!" Which the latter wasn't their worst idea. But even that wouldn't work when you have infertility! And if "you can always adopt" is something you might say to someone, think twice.

Adopting is a beautiful journey, but it's a very different and deeply personal journey that not everyone is called to do, and that's okay. People will also ask, "Have you thought of getting a surrogate?" Of course I have! But unless you have about $200k to fork over to me for a no guarantee of a baby at the end of things, then it's definitely off the table. 

Finding Out the Hard way IVF ≠ Success
My first IVF at 35 yrs old, I made 3 embryos. All graded 5AA which are perfect visual grades. I had them PGT tested (checking that all chromosomes are normal because abnormal chromosomes are the number one cause for implantation not working or for a miscarriage) and only one came back with all chromosomes normal, or as they call it "euploid."

So, they discarded the other two and I only had one shot. We did a transfer and it failed. I was so excited because, why would a tested embryo not work? That doesn't make any sense. But it didn't. I was done. It was over for me. I was devastated and moving on. 

Next year came along and my insurance renewed. And so did my nervous system. Turns out I wasn't ready to give up. I also found out that if I went to a different clinic and used a different pharmacy that my benefits would actually cover 2 cycles in one year. The other clinic was that much cheaper, had the same success rates and I wasn't happy with my first clinic anyway because they obviously failed me.

I went on to change clinics and had 2 more rounds of egg retrievals before I would do a transfer. My first egg retrieval I got 3 embryos again! 2 of which tested euploid! That was amazing! Now I have two more tries. How exciting! So when my 2nd round with the same clinic only produced 2 embryos total and both were graded so poorly, that they didn't feel it was safe to test them, I was very shocked and bummed. 

Meanwhile, I'm still dating and living my life. And this is where things start to get complicated. How do you explain to someone you're starting to date that you're actively trying to make a baby without them!? I imagine it's very weird to hear that from a new potential partner, but I wasn't afraid to say it. 

Meeting Joe (Love + Complication Enter the Chat)
Almost directly after I had my 3rd egg retrieval (2nd with the new clinic), I met my now husband, Joe. I want to say it was our 2nd date that I told him about my infertility and how I was still trying to make a baby and actively pursuing IVF and that implantation would be happening soon.

Well, turns out, it didn't happen as soon as I thought because I also needed to have surgery on the polyps on my uterus. I also needed to have an MRI on my uterus and bowels to check to see how bad the endometriosis had gotten (which is a whole other  shit-your-pants kind of horror story in itself!)

There was task after task to do before being able to transfer these precious embryos. They put me on Lupron, which they use sometimes on cancer patients. It induces medicated menopause and affects your bone density and your hair falls out and you get hot flashes and get extra moody. Not super fun for a new relationship trying to navigate that.

Turns out Lupron had the opposite effect on me. Not only did it give me the horrible side effects while it was supposed to decrease the inflammation in my Uterus, it in fact, flared up inflammation to an extreme.  I was in excruciating pain! 

After that whole ordeal, I had been with Joe for about 6 months and by the time I had to cancel my transfer, it was a new insurance year. And I just put it out there, "would you want me to do another egg retrieval and instead use your sperm?" To my surprise he was on board. We knew this relationship was special super early on, so it also wasn't a surprise at the same time.

So, I cancelled the embryo transfers with the donor sperm and we went ahead and did a round of IVF together as a couple. I always knew that the donor embryos were my fall back, but of course hoping a miracle would happen and the embryos made with Joe would work. 

The Breaking Point (Medical + Emotional Collapse)
Leading up to my egg retrieval with Joe I got super sick. Like the major flu–bad fever kind.  It lasted for several weeks. I called my clinic and they said not to worry and to just take Tylenol to keep my fever down and the retrieval wouldn't be affected. Come to find out, the clinic was closing soon and this was the last chance to do an egg retrieval before switching clinics.

I trusted my doctor and went with it. (Big Mistake! Huge! IYKYK) I already did so much prep to get to this point, I didn't want to wait any longer. We ended up only making one embryo with an average grade. We didn't get it tested because I figured if we tested it and it came back abnormal they would discard it and we couldn't even try. And we wanted to at least try. 

For this transfer, we decided to put me on Orillissa instead of Lupron for several months to calm my endometriosis. Orilisssa also puts you in medicated menopause, just using a different mechanism. While I was on Lupron and Orilissa, my bone density got so weak that I ended up tearing my ACL in my right knee.

I put my knee surgery off because I wanted to try and get pregnant first before repairing it, but I was miserable and I couldn't exercise like I wanted to. But I was doing it for the sake of my future baby! I was going through medicated menopause again, lost even more hair and just really struggled emotionally and physically through it all.

When it was time to make sure I was ready for the transfer, it turned out, not only were my ovaries not suppressed, but  the opposite– I was actually ovulating multiple large juicy follicles. They ended up cancelling my cycle last minute and then the clinic closed.

The doctor didn't even have the decency to call me to tell me what happened. I had to call them to find out answers. At this point I was on a mental and physical break down. I started having panic attacks out of nowhere and just couldn't function like a normal human, all while showing up to work and life everyday as if everything was fine, when in reality, I was holding this huge weighted secret of grief. 

New Clinic + Surgeries (Thinking About DINK Life)
I eventually persevered and moved on to another clinic. After researching all the other clinics in the area I came to the conclusion, begrudgingly, that the first clinic I went to was the best of the worst.  I at least saw a different doctor.

At this point, I had had infertility with a long term partner trying naturally, as well as a failed embryo transfer with a euploid embryo, so my doctor suggested I look into getting endometriosis excision surgery before transferring my embryo with my partner. I wanted to make sure I gave our embryo everything I had, so I decided to do just that!

I really didn't want to do the surgery because of my trauma from my previous surgery where they removed the dermoid cyst, but I wanted to be a good partner and I really wanted to do everything in my power to make this embryo transfer successful!

Turns out, the best doctor to do my endometriosis excision surgery wasn't in network, so I ended up waiting until the next year to get that surgery so I could switch insurance providers and get the best surgeon.   I finally got my knee surgery almost a year after my injury because I finally had a big enough window of time to heal before my endo surgery and before trying to conceive again. 

I went to PT 3x a week while going to fertility acupuncture 2x a week, managing my full time job, relationship, & now wedding planning, all while on crazy fertility drugs that made me super anxious and depressed. I was having mental breakdowns on the regular with panic attacks galore. I didn't recognize myself. I was a shell of who I once was.

To make matters worse, my knee wasn't healing like it should be. Was it stress? Was it from the medicated menopause I was on for several months that affected my bone density and ability to heal? I don't know. Doctors didn't know. I was doing everything right, but healing was unfortunately taking longer than most. 

I eventually had my endometriosis excision surgery and we transferred our one embryo. It failed. Not even a sliver of a positive pregnancy test line. At this point I'm feeling so sad and defeated. I ended up reading a book called "The baby Decision" (www.amazon.com/Baby-Decision-Make-Important-Choice/dp/0997500700) that really helped me make my decision or at least helped me understand what I was feeling when it came to wanting to continue with fertility treatments or not. I have a copy of this book too. Holler if you want to borrow it.

The book really put in perspective for me that I could live a beautiful amazing life without children and got us excited to potentially retire early and to live that full on DINK life (Dual Income No Kids).

We could travel more–really live it up! It was exciting to think about. But, I still had these 4 embryo's on ice that I worked really hard for that I couldn't shake. I knew I would likely not get pregnant since I haven't had any luck  yet. I thought, I'm just going to go back to back to back implantations and after they all fail, I will be able to move on and to fully give myself to the DINK life and find myself again. Turns out things never go as you think!

Miscarriage + Medical Decline
Following the failed transfer with the embryo I made with my husband, turns out, I did get pregnant. This was the embryo I made with the donor sperm before my relationship with Joe.  I was shocked. We were shocked. and by the time we had a chance to wrap our heads around it and not be in our feelings about what just happened, I was told that my beta levels were no longer climbing and to expect to miscarry.

It was an excruciating couple of weeks waiting to bleed out. Meanwhile I still had pregnancy hormones racing through me, which I'm extremely sensitive to. I have PMDD already, which is where your brain is basically allergic to any hormone fluctuations and it makes living as a woman (that's extremely hard already) harder. Imagine my brain's allergic reaction to the raging hormones of a pregnant woman. Yikes!

I was lost. I was over it all. And I was ready to give up. I didn't recognize myself anymore and I decided I would stop everything. All the vitamins and supplements I had been taking were thrown in the trash. I miscarried, and then I was having withdrawals from the fertility meds (or so I thought).

I was feeling nauseous and dizzy and just off. I was getting the sweats and just really uncomfortable. I kept getting blood work done making sure the meds were out of my system because I didn't feel like myself yet. Turns out they were, but something else was wrong. 

I went on to have multiple vertigo episodes. One was so bad that I had to call 911 when I was home alone by myself and couldn't move without uncontrollably vomiting. I was crawling to the bathroom and my phone and could barely get 911 on the line. The ambulance came and I would proceed to vomit for the next several hours at the hospital.

I got a brain CT and followed up later with a brain MRI that all came back normal. I followed up with a primary care doctor who sent me to an ENT. The ENT assumed I had vestibular neuritis from a viral infection and that it would only start to get better. Except, I never had a virus. I was never sick when this happened. And I never got better. 

Where I am Now
It's now been a year since my miscarriage and I've had several vertigo attacks. I've seen an allergist and done vestibular testing and TMJ therapy, etc. Nobody can tell me what's wrong. It's so frustrating to feel like doctors don't believe you and won't do anything to help you.

Navigating this has now felt like a full time job as well. So, not only did I not get my baby, but I now potentially have a life long chronic debilitating disease that nobody knows how to treat or name and it's invisible to the outside world. Very isolating. 

This past year I've been really trying to focus on myself and my healing journey, both physically and mentally and I have a lot of medical trauma. I started taking water aerobics classes 3x a week at the community center and that has given me the ability to  exercise with my reduced knee mobility as well as finding joy in community. I highly recommend! Great fun class! And I still have these 3 embryos left. So I have been feeling a sense of wanting closure but not sure how to go about that. 

I don't want to discard them or donate them to science. I don't want to hold on to them forever and pay for storage forever with no sense of closure. I'll always feel "what if?" I'm tempted to try an embryo transfer again but I have so much going on with my own health now, plus the unlikelihood of carrying a pregnancy to term with my endometriosis and systemic inflammation. I'm terrified of pregnancy now. Like, I don't know if I can physically or mentally survive a pregnancy.

Since getting a surrogate isn't a financially realistic option, the other option I'm considering is embryo adoption. If I can't give these embryo's a chance at life in my own uterus, I'd love the opportunity to give someone else that chance. I could still be in the child's life as an extra person to love them, depending on how the other family feels about it. That's where feelings and logistics could get complicated. 

I actually reached out to a company that does just that, Empower with Moxi. www.empowerwithmoxi.com  They match us with recipient families. I had a meeting with someone there and they showed me a profile to see how I would feel and see what feelings would come up for me.  

I hate to say it, but my initial gut reaction was I was jealous. She too was in her 40's and single mom by choice living a beautiful family. She already 2 living children and was wanting to add a 3rd. Why couldn't that be me? That could have been me.

Oof. What do I do? It's mixed feelings. Because the idea of helping another family out is beautiful. And the idea of giving the embryo's I created the opportunity at life is also very beautiful and more likely to happen if it's not in my uterus. So I have some big decisions to make because I'm ready for the chapter to close in one way or another. In the least, I would love to mentally move on. I'm not getting any younger (at 40 - almost 41) and it's now been 6 long years since I started this journey.

This whole journey has been emotionally and physically taxing. It has pushed me outside of my comfort zone and asked me to sit in my feelings and to process what it is that would make my life feel meaningful. And what it would mean to never be a mother and what it means if my body is unable to do what it was made to do. How do I live with myself? And more importantly, how do I forgive myself and my one body that I have? 

For those of you still in the wait – I see you.
For those of you living a childless-not-by-choice life – I see you.
For those of you who have experienced loss – I see you.
For those of you on the solo mom by choice path – I see you.
For anyone who’s gone through IVF, IUI, or infertility in any form – I see you.
And for anyone who has had to make impossible choices… I see you.
You’re not alone in this.
Sending love.
I don’t know exactly what comes next for me, but I’m doing my best to move forward with honesty and a little bit of courage.
If you’ve been here too, I’d love to hear from you. 🤍

By the time we are off the water and our fish are filleted and in our coolers, it's only 10am. We are ready to hit the road, but not before Joe says, "let's explore the Gorge today. Maybe check out the Clickitat River?" I play along, and say "sure that sounds great!" Even though I'm butt ass tired and know​ he is too lol. But if it's go time, it's go time baby! I was going to put my big girl sweats on and see where this day takes us! As we are driving towards this spot that Joe wants to show me he says, "You know, I think as long as I'm home by around 4pm, that is totally great!" That's when I knew  I was getting proposed to today! In no other world would we get up at 4am and be done with a trip and Joe not try to get home ASAP. And mind you it was only 10:30am and we already had a FULL day! I was definitely on to him, but again, I was going with the flow and letting him take me where he wanted. I wanted to ride this out and see where we were going. As much as I'm sure he was getting nervous, I was also pretty nervous myself! 

So we get to this spot to pull off where Joe tells me to pull into and he immediately says something to likes of "Crap, there's a ton of people here..." Joe hates going anywhere that's crowded on a regular day, let alone at a proposal. lol. So in my mind I'm wondering if Joe is going to abort the mission because this doesn't look good. So we start walking and the river is quite a ways below us and we're following a very steep ledge that's somewhat of a path. Mind you, I have a torn ACL and this cliff side is STEEP AF! We start walking one way and immediately see a sign that says no trespassing and there's a mini trailer park that resembles more of a homeless camp. You can see the look of dissapointment on Joe's face as he says there is supposed to be a beautiful waterfall here and blue pools of water leading to the river, but it's COMPLETELY dried out lol. Then out of nowhere these two mangy dogs come up to me like they are ready to attack or bite at any minute and are barking very aggressively. At this point, I'm like, there is no way Joe is going to propose right here. And I can see the panic in Joe's eyes. And I'm kinda scared of these dogs and also dying laughing inside because I know this is the exact opposite of how Joe would want to do this. Eventually the owner was able to scream and holler for her dogs to come back to the trailer park lol, and Joe is marching ahead and says, "Maybe we can go down to the river?"  As he peaks over he sees tons of fisherman and is like, "crap! there's tons of people down there." And then he just looks at me with a defeated look. And as we are perfectly in a spot with no humans in site, just barely mind you, as just to one side are the fisherman and the other side the trailer park and mangy dogs, he said something like "You know I love you..." And at that point I kind of blacked out. I think he did too. He said a few words but all I could hear in his voice how nervous he was so I think he just wanted to stop talking lol and got down on one knee, which was actually pretty scary because we were on such a slope I was scared for him falling lol. And he asked me to marry him, and of course I said yes! We both got a little teary eyed and as you could feel the weigh lifted off him and sigh of relief he said, " I have so much to tell you!" Joe and I don't keep secrets from each other so it was really hard for him to try to plan this without me knowing.  And he spilled all the details leading up to the day, and then I spilled all the ways I was on to him. lol. We both got a good laugh about it all. :) 

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So, a good part of the details leading up to the day was that he originally planned to propose in a different spot in the Gorge. Somewhere he'd never been, but found it on google earth. At the last minute he sought out the advice of a coworker who was from the area and promised the spot he took me had this beautiful waterfall and that no one would be there. At the last minute she mentioned, that sometimes it dries out but since it rained recently they thought it would be fine. Ha ha. So Joe asks if I would want to see the spot where he was originally planning to take me, and it was on the way back, so I said, definitely! 

The spot was called Dog Creek Falls. He mentioned he thought of dog creek falls for several reasons. One, because it looked like a beautiful waterfall on the map, but also because he knows how much I love dogs. Which after he told me that, my heart just melted. Even though he didn't actually propose there, the fact that was his thought process was so endearing, especially because he is a cat guy at heart and has 2 cats! So we pull up to Dog Creek Falls pull out and see that there is not one car in the parking lot. We completely have the place to ourselves. Then we hike just a tiny ways in and there is a giant heart painted on the side of the stone wall leading up to the waterfall. And just romantic AF! And then, there it was this gorgeous ever flowing not dried out waterfall and total seclusion. lol. He immediately blurts out, "Damn it! I should have followed my gut! Give me that ring back!" I'm dying laughing, and so is he, because how could you not. It really was the perfect spot. "But you know what?" I said, "We wouldn't have had as great of a story to tell had everything gone perfect. And I still give you 100 percent credit for taking me here on the day you proposed to me. It's still a part of our day and a really special place." On top of all that, we wouldn't have been able to recruit a fisherman to take our photo for us either had he done the proposal there.  We spent the next 20 minutes or so there, just taking everything in and getting to have a romantic spot to celebrate and reflect. It was absolutely beautiful! Oh and he did end up telling me all the things he wanted to say during the proposal after his nerves were gone. It was very heartfelt and I am one lucky gal! <3 

We finished the day at Skamania Lodge over lunch and a drink to celebrate our engagement, which was also breathtaking, but after half way through our lunch we were fading fast. We were so so tired and still riding the high of all the fish caught and of our engagement. WHAT A DAY!  We had a little over an hr drive to get back to my place and you could tell we both wanted to rally for the other, but we also both desperately needed a nap! So we landed on Joe dropping me at my house for a nap before I came over to spend the night. We had grand plans to celebrate that night, but instead we both got a solid nap and were able to have my dog and his kitties in one place as a family unit to celebrate over chili cheese fries and early bed time! lol. The BEST DAY EVER! So happy! :) 

We did it. I did it. I made it a year. I know, at almost 40 years old (still 38 for a couple of months) that shouldn't be a big feat. But y'all have watched me struggle in the relationship category. Was it timing? Maturity? The incompatibility? The time it took to really love and value myself? I  don't know. Maybe that's all crap and sometimes things just don't work out until they do. But, I am so proud to have made it a year with my man, Joe. One year down and a lifetime to go. (In my singing voice...) "He's one of the gooooood ones! "

Don't get me wrong. He aint perfect (neither am I). lol. Sorry babe. Love you. ;) But, as I've said from the beginning, the willingness to communicate and work through things means so much.  He unfortunately has been plagued with covid over the last 2 weeks and absence has definitely made the heart grow fonder. Technically, we're still 3 days away from our one year dating anniversary, but close enough! I'm taking off work early to celebrate and we're kayaking and paddle boarding on a new (to us) lake to celebrate. FUN! 

Because Joe has covid, just today we were on the phone with each other for two hours simultaneously scrolling through our shared images and gifs on our phone and reminiscing about all the adventures we've had over this last year as well as all of the mostly Beavis and Butthead gifs shared lol... and a few pictures NSFW in the scroll. ;) The one that get's me laughing/smiling the most was the very last gif which is actually the very first gif. I don't remember if I told you this story, but as a reminder, Joe and I met online several years prior to actually meeting this year. We had exchanged phone numbers and tried to meet up several times. The timing never worked out on either of our ends for a first date. The last message I sent him before meeting up this time I had asked him out again. He told me he had started seeing someone so it was a no go and I sent the gif of the Narwal from the movie "Elf" that said "Bye Buddy! Hope you find your dad!" As my goodbye message to him. Very playful. And very funny. And it makes me smile that that's the last impression I left with him before we met up again years later lol. 

Anyhoo, not to get too sentimental on the past. Just really feeling good today. And really hoping that Joe is in well enough health in a few days for our anniversary adventure. And speaking of Beavis and Butthead. It's sooo good. I forgot. Joe and I have been on a kick watching old Beavis and Butthead episodes, and the movie as well as the South Park movie and episodes. Just re-living our rebellious childhoods and it's been so fun. And hilarious that Ryan Gosling has recently gotten into it by his SNL skit. www.youtube.com/watch?v=86qKgK0asGo

Our biggest issue in our relationship is unfortunately that my dog wants to murder his cats. Still a thing. My dog is so cute and sweet too (not sure Joe would agree but that's neither here nor there lol). If I have any dog/cat whisperers in the audience please show yourself. (in a non-perverted way) :) 

I know I've been more absent on social media and it's for good reason. 1.It's unhealthy. comparison is the thief of Joy as my man Teddy used to say. It's true. I feel much more alive being less connected to social media. And honestly, if more people had better boundaries I'd probably use it more. But too many people take advantage of the fact they see me on social media and use it as their que to have direct access to me all the time and it's exhausting. I know I'm probably preaching to the choir, but we were just not meant to have that much time spent online. Really trying to working on grounding myself and living more in the present and it's really helped me heal some old wounds and clearly has played a healthy factor in my love life as well. I didn't have a #2. :)

Don't get me wrong, I do love me some social media. But I definitely get addicted to it when I'm on it and have no self control. Know thyself. Which is why I teeter on and off it. Give myself some healthy breaks. Some of y'all have better self control than I do! 

I feel like I'm blabbering now. I didn't have a whole lot to say today except that I'm proud of myself and of Joe for making it as a couple 1 year. I love that man with all my heart and it just gets better every day! (Unless I'm PMSing... sometimes two steps forward, one step back but the key is always errr... mostly moving forward. lol)

Here's to the next year with Joe and our next chapter! <3  

Just for funnies, here are some photos of our year in review. :) We definitely had a good one! Yay! 



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Almost 4 months in and Joe and I have made it to our 2nd season together. I hate to turn into a sap, but things just keep getting better. For instance, Just yesterday I fished off of the bank of the Sandy River by myself. Yes, I went fishing by myself for the very first time. Something I have always wanted to do but lacked the confidence and knowledge, but Joe pulled it out of me. I was texting him all morning about all the things that were happening. I showed up at a fishing hole at 6am ready to be the first one there and then got nervous when a bunch of other cars started pulling up. I had never been to this hole and I was hoping I'd be there early enough to beat the crowd. I realized when I got there that it was so dark I had no idea where I was going and I almost died off a cliff thinking it was a trail. lol. I didn't catch a fish that morning but I definitely learned a few things and hopefully I will keep learning and eventually catch something on my own. But aside from that, I have to toot Joe's horn because even though he had major FOMO that I decided to wake up that morning and fish on my own, he set up my pole for me the night before so I didn't have to stress about tying the knots on my line and he had his ringer on loud so he could be there for me in the morning if I needed him. And then when I got my line all tangled by the end of my stint, I brought my reel to his house the next day and he got it all neat for me again. I also failed to mention that he took me out bank fishing for my first time before this and gave me a bunch of pointers. We have gone fishing together twice now and I can't wait for more! 

And what a fantastic communicator! We make sure to chat on the phone every single night that we don't see each other and usually make it for an hour, sometimes two. This started very early on and I believe that is what has progressed our relationship so quickly. For the first month or two it was almost as if I was seeing 2 different people. Phone Joe, and real life Joe. I felt like I really knew phone Joe, but when we'd meet in person I'd get nervous because it's such a different feeling to be with someone in real life and a bit nerve wracking being so new. But I'm happy to say that both Joe's have finally merged together into a super version! 

And we genuinely have fun together. We took a gummy the other night at McMenamins Grand Lodge and I've never laughed so much with someone in my life. Just a couple of silly gooses that also get to smooch. What a lucky life!

I'm so grateful I've found a partner that is adventurous and patient and kind. And I'm so glad that in spite of myself, I have stuck out some ups and downs only to come out stronger together. I've found someone that wants the same things in life and is willing to put in the same work and effort to make it happen. I don't have much more to say except that I am absolutely in love and hopeful and what more could you ask for? xoxoxo

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It all started when I went to get back on the dating sites. Once again. Not sure why I keep doing that to myself. I apparently like self-torture. ;) #kink lol. That's when I ran into Joe. And I know that I normally don't post guys names on here and it's usually a nickname, but since I already posted his picture and name to my instagram, it doesn't make sense not to call him that. :) 

Joe and I apparently matched several years ago and had texted a few times and planned on meeting up but timing wasn't on our side. When Joe saw me back on the dating sites, he decided to be bold and go ahead and text me. He prefaced the text "I hope this isn't creepy." lol. Anyhoo, he remembered chatting with me but I don't remember chatting with him. But he had my phone number so I knew he at least made it that far in the process, and said what the heck. Sure, let's meet up. 

We met up on Father's Day (luckily I wasn't super busy that day) and we went out to a coffee shop on Alberta. He lives in deep Beaverton and I live in deep Gresham so that was pretty much half way for us. We had some pretty deep conversations on this date/meetup. We chatted for several hours which also included a walk around the neighborhood afterwards. I didn't feel immediate sparks, and I don't think he did either, but having been through enough online dating, I knew he was a good human, and it wasn't necessarily a F yes, for me at this point, but it wasn't a no either. I was intrigued by his genuineness and tbh, the F yes's for me almost always turn into F boys. My picker is definitely off, so I wanted to go outside my norm and see what Joe was all about. I told him that I'd love to see him again. He paused and hesitated and didn't answer me right away. I said, "No worries if you don't want to. Or you can think about it. No stress either way. I just want to be upfront and say what I hope for." He eventually came around, but not until we chatted later via text. lol. Playing hard to get. Apparently I liked that. :) He tells me that he definitely was interested and not sure why he blanked when I asked him that and thought for sure he answered me yes, but he definitely didn't. And actually I could tell he was a little bit nervous which was pretty cute. I like a confident guy, but also a nice guy and not a cocky guy. And he wasn't the cocky jerk that I tend to be attracted to. 

I told him since our first date was so serious that we would try to have fun only on our next date. And fun we had. He happened to be on a 16 day staycation and had some time to hang out. We normally don't have the same days off, but he had that next weekend off and available so we decided to make plans for Saturday. We started off the morning with a short hike up Powell Butte and then spent the rest of the day on the Sandy River. Now, I felt comfortable enough of letting him come to my place to get ready for the river that day. Honestly, I almost never invite a guy over and I am a home body and like to keep my life private. But I know part of being vulnerable is opening yourself up in ways that might not always be in the comfort zone. So we got ready and brought some bevies and snacks to the river and had an amazing day. All day in the sunshine just chatting, laughing, having a good time. 

At one point I took my liquid courage and I moved in closer and kissed him. I could tell he was a little shocked but the first thing he said was "I'm glad we got that out of the way and that you didn't friend zone me" lol. Which, maybe in the past I would have. He was for sure good friend material. And at this point in my life, I know the value of that, so I had to see if there was something more. And if I had waited too long I very well could have friend zoned him.

Eventually after a full day on the river we went back to my place and ordered in some Thai Food. We had more conversations and kissed a little more. It was super nice. He went home that night and the next day I got an invite to go out on my dad's pontoon boat with my step sisters and their hubbies. And I thought, I kind of want to see if Joe wants to join. I asked him to join and he did! So then we spent another full day on the river together. This time with some family. A little taste into what life could be like as my boo. We had another great day and he seemed to get on nice with the fam as well. I liked that. He was such a gentleman and kept telling me how he was "the luckiest guy in the world." Which, I admit, felt a little too much for me at times, but also, I deserve for someone to feel that way, so I tried my best to get out of my head and enjoy the compliment and the feelings and just not put any pressure on it. 

That's where I start getting into trouble. When I get in my head too much and when I feel too much pressure. Like, "what if I hurt him?" Or "what if he's love bombing me? He doesn't actually feel lucky because there's no way he could feel that way yet." etc. You get the gist. There was lots of self sabotage going on in my head. And it still creeps up a little. But the more I've gotten to know Joe, the more sincere and genuine I feel his compliments are and I have to admit, I'm starting to feel pretty lucky myself. :) 

Usually the guys I go for, is lust at first sight. It's a quick crash and burn. Either that, or they string me along for a decade lolz. But right now I've got the slow burn happening with Joe. Instead of things crashing quickly, the more we communicate and get to know one another, the closer I feel to him. It's not perfect. We are two imperfect humans figuring each other out, but what I love about Joe is that he's giving just as much effort as I am, even during conflict and that goes a LONG way. While I haven't met his family yet (he's from the Tri-cities), he's told his friends and family about me and wants to include me, which also says a lot and is super important to me. Too many times I've dated guys that only give me part of themselves but ice me out of their family, etc. I deserve to have it all. 

We've obviously had several dates since our first weekend together. From more days at the river, to playing catch (stole my heart a little on that date), to hanging in a kitty pool in his backyard on the 4th of July, we've both celebrated birthday's together now (He's a Cancer and I'm a Leo). We have even shot some hoops together and I laid down the D! he he. He is down for all the fun times. We are planning to camp together with another big chunk of my family next weekend. I'm just so excited to have someone that's down to do all the things with me. 

And we have different days off, so it's actually been kind of nice to not spend every second of free time together. I've still made times for my own friends and activities and so has he, and it's been working out really well for us. We are at a place where we're chatting on the phone almost every night now even if we don't see each other. Again though, I want to reiterate that it's not perfect. We have already had some disagreements and tiffs, and that's totally normal. But we've both been respectful in the way we handle it and genuinely want the other person to feel heard and it's been healthy growth that I have high hopes will only continue to get better the more we learn about each other. 

He does have 2 cats though, and I have one wiener dog (but always ready to get a 2nd wiener on a whim ;)). My dog wants to murder and eat cats. So, blending the family might be a bit of a challenge. And we also live an hr from each other. Sometimes more with traffic. Definitely some obstacles to work through, but worth the effort and we're just going to take them as they come. But for now, I officially have a boyfriend. His name is Joe. And I'm excited to get to know him more and see where this goes. <3 

DB

​It's Been over 3 years since I've been on this blog, and I'm not sure why I felt like bringing it back today. Could be because the Pandemic is officially "over" and I can go out and be social. Or it could be because I feel like being a 37 (almost 38) yr old female without a partner is a lot more common than society wants you to believe and to all you folks out there in the same boat, well... you're not alone. 

I unfortunately have nothing crazy to report to you about the last 3 years about my romantic life. I've seen a toxic guy from my past off and on for a decade and I'm pretty sure I was FINALLY able to see that for what it really was (F Boy Season)... and I'm proud to be over it. 

Recently reconnected with Silver Fox from my past. TBD. Probably nothing. 

Oooh. I do have one juicy story for you! There was a guy that I used to play softball with. Over a decade ago. And we were really really good buddies. I had nothing but love for this dude, but in a platonic way. He was a bit older than me (50-ish now) and we had a lot of fun back in the day. At one point back in the day, he and his wife were struggling, and we were out and ended up making out a few times. I'm not proud of that, but it was shut down rather quickly and we went back to just friend status. And basically didn't talk for several years except a random text here or there when it was appropriate. Nothing but love and support for one another. 

Well, several months ago I get a text from him. We'll call him Jay Jay, because that was the nickname I gave him back in the day (short for Va-jay jay lol. THAT is the kind of friendship we had. Fun and teasing.)  As a reminder, it had been years since I'd seen him. He asked if I wanted to get together and catch up and told me he was living in a houseboat now. I said, sure! But I didn't think much of it. We met up for a drink and some food and when I saw him I immediately flashed back to the old feelings of attraction I had for him. But it was weird because it felt new yet also familiar, which felt good for me. Not just some dude on Tinder that you don't know that you have all these expectations with. I figured he was likely no longer married if he was living on the river now, but I didn't want to assume, so I kept everything very platonic. At the end of our meetup he did mention that he was divorced now... 

A couple of weeks later I see him on Tinder. I didn't swipe on him, but I got a text from him telling me he saw me on Tinder and he joked and asked if I was his type. And told me he'd take me on any fun dates that I wanted. I basically said, Just let me know! And I left the ball in his court. 

Shortly after that he asked me to meet up again. This time we had dinner at Edgefield (all dog friendly meetings) and we chatted for a few hours and called it a night. Still very platonic at this point and just nice to catch up with an old friend. I was still dating around and not thinking much about it. 

I noticed we started sending more texts here and there and instead of chatting every few weeks it started to turn into every few days. He made it very clear through his texts that he was interested but trying to play it cool and that he had a lot of regrets from his past in how he treated me and other people he loved in his life. But I also made it clear that I just wasn't sure how I felt. 

We made a plan for a third meetup/date. This time it was more of an exciting type date. And actually my favorite date. Kennedy School soaking pool. Yessss. Why is this date so good!? Especially when it's still colder weather and even with some slight sprinkling. I can't remember which month we went there but it was definitely still cold so that was great. 

He got a hotel room so we could stay as long as we wanted because otherwise you're limited to an hour. We changed in his room and went to bar and grabbed a drink and then went to the pool. We went on like a Wednesday right after work, so it wasn't too crowded. We ended up being in the soaking pool for hours and had 2-3 drinks over that time. We kissed for the first time and massaged each other's shoulders a bit, and we were turning strangers into friends. He seemed to be more into initiating the stranger conversations but it was fun and I didn't look too much into it. It was also a lot at the same time. Went from zero to a hundred rather quickly, but my guard was still up. I was enjoying my time, and listening to him tell me all the things that I deserve and how he has had strong feelings about me for years and followed me on social media, etc. It was kind of weird because it was like he knew what I had been up to for years, but I didn't know what he had been up to. So it felt a little unbalanced in terms of feelings. 

I didn't stay the night with him that night, FYI. I went home later in the evening when I sobered up. Pretty sure he went home too. But that evening definitely opened the door to something, what I wasn't sure of yet. 

Shortly after, things seemed exciting. I was excited to have a new interest. Again, it felt familiar. And I knew there was attraction, respect and feelings, so I started getting more intrigued at this possibility, all while still guarding my heart knowing he had only been divorced for a year and I'm sure had a lot to process on his own. 

The next week or so he asked if I wanted to go to a networking event together. We work in the same industry and I thought, that would be really fun. I literally never bring a plus one to anything like that, and how fun would it be to have someone go with you that cares about you, and you them, all while knowing they can hold their own in this setting. I was excited. And thought what a perfect idea! 

So, I put him down as my plus one. And it was set. The day before the event, I get a text from my toxic ex I mentioned earlier... we can just call him "Toxic." that he had an extra ticket to the Kevin Hart show the same night as the networking event. I told him that I actually had a date that night, and then he graciously offered to give me the tickets for me and Jay Jay. I thought, a little weird to accept that, but also, sounds really fun and if I'm already going to be out let's just make it a fun night! I was excited to be dating someone again that I was interested in because it just doesn't happen very often. I asked Jay Jay if he was down and he was! Yay! 

About an hour before the networking event I got a text from Jay Jay that he wasn't going to be able to make either event. Bummer city. He and his teenage daughters were going through the transition of divorce and what their relationship looks like post divorce and he had to be there for them. I totally understood, but I remember feeling so bummed that night. This was the first night that I got excited and was starting to see some real potential. He of course apologized that he had to go out of town for his daughters and that he would make it up to me and take me to a Blazer game. 

I shrugged it off, but was already dressed up with nowhere to go (except my networking event.) I let "Toxic" know that I no longer needed the tix, and that I was ditched last minute, so of course, Toxic swooped in and said let's go. And I was feeling vulnerable enough to say yes. 

I had a great time with Toxic, as I always do, and we probably made out that night (actually don't recall lol). But, I was still thinking about Jay Jay. And this is a toxic trait of mine, but I think I wanted Jay Jay even more after he ditched me. Brains can also be toxic ha ha. 

I decided to get vulnerable and let Jay Jay know that I missed him at the event and that I wished he were there. And then all of a sudden he was coming into town from his event and said he wanted to see me. I was at a different event that night but all dressed up again and feeling sexy, so we met at a bar on his way home from town. He was late because he dropped his keys in the water at the house boat and his neighbor had to rescue his keys. It was a cute story, and I'm pretty sure I was ovulating when I saw him, so I felt especially close to him that night. It was crazy. It was like we were 2 lovebirds in a corner booth and it was intoxicating. I was really starting to develop feelings for Jay Jay and getting excited about the possibilities, again still guarding my heart. 

The next time I saw him was at another bar. we met at a dive bar and this time felt different. He got vulnerable with me and told me he was in love with me and that he had been for years. Mind you, he was having some drinks and it's hard to say what is true coming from someone who is drinking, but he definitely used very strong verbiage with me. I was Sober Sally that night so it was very interesting. He was talking about our future together and the life he envisioned for us and how he wanted to be that person to support my dreams and how we would be this power couple supporting each other. And it all did sound nice. He asked if I could envision a life with him. I told him, I wasn't sure yet, but that I wouldn't be sitting there with him if I didn't think it was in the realm of possibilities. 

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. There's a reason that is a saying. You know, I wanted to believe him. I really did. But damn. things changed very quickly after that night. 

He sobbed in my arms that night about how remorseful he was for his past behavior. He had a friggin GREAT line that his daughters were number 1 but that I was 1A.  I felt loved and cared for. But also, on guard. He talked about some troubles with his ex wife the way someone would who is still not moved on from that trauma. So deep in my gut, I didn't feel like he was quite ready. And that was okay with me, because neither was I. I just really wanted to get to know him again and see what this was if anything and I was open to the possibilities. 

Fast forward a week or two and I am pretty sure it was his idea to hang out with my friends. I thought it was a great idea. What better way to vet a relationship than to introduce them to your friends and see the dynamic. So I asked him what his schedule was to make sure he had no obligations with his daughters that night and we scheduled game night around HIS schedule. And guess what? He literally cancelled like an hr or two before. Damn. It was for his daughters but this time he didn't say why. And look, I want to be understanding but damn, it still hurts. And when that happens and Jay Jay says he's going to make it up to me but then doesn't make any plans to, it sucks. 

Feeling a bit defeated, but still hopeful. STILL trying to be understanding. I ended up booking myself a vacation to Mexico. And I just threw it out there. Want to get away? I mean, what better way then to really test your chemistry than to spend a week together on a vacay?! I was cool to go by myself because I usually go on vacations by myself anyway. And he made it seem like he was really interested. But he had a surgery that was scheduled over that time and it couldn't be moved again. I was bummed and knew I'd likely be thinking about him while on this trip, but still determined to have a good time. 

Well, Christmas rolls around and I'm a huge holiday person. I got a "Merry Christmas" text from him. And honestly it seemed a bit cold. You tell someone the week before that you see a future with them and want to be a power couple, and then you slightly ghost them over the holiday weekend. Just odd behavior. So I was now starting to feel a little insecure and wanted some validation. You can tell me a million times that you're feeling one way, but at this point the actions point to a different direction. So we hop on  a phone chat that I thought went well. He said he didn't want to screw this up and that he really wanted to do this right with me, which I really appreciated. And so he decided that I should go have fun in Mexico, he was going to have his surgery and then when he was recovered we would spend some quality time together. This was HIS idea. So I agree. 

I go to Mexico and he's on my mind the whole time. I wish he was there with me several times but I don't text him because he asked for space. Some more time goes on and it's now been a couple months since his surgery and I haven't heard from him. I did look up his instagram to make sure he was alive and he changed his profile pic so I knew he was. So I decided to reach out. I asked him if he was okay and wondered why I hadn't heard from him. Nothing. I haven't heard from him again. It's been over 5 months since I heard from him.

Just add another F boy to my list! FML! lol. I laugh, but also, that's totally F'd. Just say what you mean, and mean what you say. And at 50, why are you playing games with my heart? (insert Backstreet Boys lyrics)...

So yeah. It definitely opened up the can of worms for Toxic to make an appearance in my life for a couple months, but I finally cut that off for good. Thank gawd! Haven't heard from Jay Jay.  Actually signed up for a matchmaker in Portland, so we'll see if I get a date out of that. But I am staying away from the apps and just living my best life on my own and if someone is meant to walk by my side they will show up. And if not, it's me and my pup and I'm also cool with that too. :) 

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​"It's been a hot minute since I wrote about my (non-existent) dating life.  Honestly, I was way too busy kicking ass and taking names to be worried about what I was doing in my dating life. But at the end of the day, I'm still human and still crave that physical and emotional connection to another human being. 

I just looked back at my old post real quick, and wow, I can't believe the last romantic connection I had was on New Years Eve where I tried to hop a fence to take an uber ride of shame lol. Not my finest hour. ha! At the beginning of March I may have also gotten drunk and naked in a hot tub and made out with a co-worker, but that's neither here nor there. lol. 

Since life has us all moving a little slower right now, I thought I would first get myself together before trying to add to the mix.  The first two months in Quarantine were honestly super rough for me.  I was eating a ton, drinking a ton, not working out, watching a lot of netflix and just feeling really down about life.  Well, thank goodness I've mostly snapped out of it! I've been workin on my fitness and running every day, lifting weights, eating better (sometimes) and I just feel happier. I think "happiness" is always something we will keep striving for, but trying to live in the moment and being the best version of myself is really helping me appreciate all the things about life right now, even during these crazy times. 

With all that said, I thought now, would be a perfect time to go online to try and put myself out there again. So that's what I've been doing. I signed up for the online dating app, Bumble again.  This time I wanted to have more self control when it comes to swiping.  Normally, I swipe and swipe and swipe until I have so many matches that I can't handle it.  I don't remember who said what, I get annoyed really easily, and I can't just focus on the person in front of me.  So this time, I matched with 5 guys the first day and tried to just focus on those 5 matches. 

Out of the 5 that I matched with, there were only two that really caught my eye.  The first guy, we'll call him "Selfie Man."  The reason I say this is because most of his profile pictures are selfies.  Normally, that's an instant turn off to me.  But because I was in a forgiving mood, I remembered helping a buddy of mine out with his dating profile once.  This buddy is a really good dude, but when he showed me his profile it was all selfies.  If I wouldn't have told him to switch it up, he would also be selfie dude.  So, I cut 
"Selfie Man" some slack this time around. 

We scheduled a Zoom Date and I was pleasantly surprised!  Let me just note, I really wanted to do a vlog this time around instead of a blog, but some technology issues have blocked me from achieving that, and I didn't want to keep you all hanging so I decided a blog would suffice!  So, on the zoom date he had me laughing, and flirting like a school girl, and it was genuinely really fun.  We even sang the "bagel bites" theme song together!  Good times.  But at the end of the day, looking back, I wasn't sure if there was a lot of substance to our conversation (foreshadowed by all the selfies maybe?). 

Since our zoom date, he was texting me every morning, afternoon and evening checking in on me, which on paper sounds really nice, right? But, honestly I was getting pretty annoyed by it.  Not because he was texting, but he was STILL texting no substance.  He would ask me how my day was, and I would tell him and then ask him back and he either wouldn't acknowledge what I told him I was doing, or wouldn't acknowledge that I asked him what he was doing and then he'd go radio silent.  Honestly, it felt like calculated moves and what one would do in a non-quarantine world if they were just trying to get in your pants and not trying to get to know you.  Red Flag, bro.  

But overall it was his actions (or rather his inactions) that were the turn off. After our zoom date he never once asked to zoom again.  It was all just text here, text there, no substance, didn't care. He FINALLY texted that he wanted to meet up.  So I thought maybe it would go well. We could social distance in a park together somewhere and talk like real humans.  He said how about this week?  When I told him when I was available so we could schedule a day, he proceeded to tell me about ALL the "cool" things he was doing this week and how he could only Mayybe hang on Tuesday because he was "so busy" but wouldn't even commit to Tuesday! SMH! lol.  Umm, do I have to remind you that you asked me to hang out this week brah?  Seriously,  I am almost 100% sure that the only reason he asked me to hang out was so that he could brag about himself.  Barf.  Needless to say, no more texts have happened and he's cut!  Next! 

So, the 2nd guy that caught my eye, we'll call him " Cardiac Fish Guide," or "CFG" since he's a fishing guide and he's also a cardiac ICU Nurse.  Obviously there's a lot more to him, but it's an easy nickname.  I actually had my first zoom meeting with him almost directly after I had my first zoom meeting with "Selfie Man."  I thought "CFG" had a lot to live up to after how well my first zoom meeting went!

Well, CFG didn't quite feel as giddy, but for some reason that little voice in my gut was telling me that even though the flirtatious connection wasn't as strong, that he felt more genuine and there were probably more layers to uncover before deciding how I might feel about him. Plus, I'm sure a zoom date wasn't giving me the full picture.  

Needless to say, we scheduled a 2nd zoom date.  Well, the day we had our date scheduled he was on a fishing trip and he got home late and was tired and didn't text me until super late (well over the time we were suppoed to zoom).  The part that frustrated me the most was that he didn't even acknowledge the fact that he missed our date... I had to bring it up. Red flag.  So, instead of being pissed, I decided I really didn't care all that much. lol.  But, I figured I'd let him know that he could have just sent a text saying his was tired.  He apologized, set up a 2nd zoom date, and since then we've had a 3rd.  So I'm pretty proud of myself for just saying what I felt.  He didn't get upset about it, he instead listened, and changed his behavior.  Good man. Good skills. Good potential. 

So today we had our 3rd zoom date.  He was super nice again.  But, at the same time, there isn't that flirtatious thing going on.  I find him attractive.  I find his manliness attractive. But, I'm still trying to decide how I feel.  I think seeing him in person social distanced would help me decide what I really feel.  But I honestly don't mind taking it slow, and I like it that way.  We haven't even exchanged phone numbers... we're still texting through the app.  Normally, I would find that odd.  Which, maybe it is.  But I'm not even mad about it.  I like it!  But, hoping CFG will step up soon and ask me out to a park to meet in person!  If not, then I might swipe on just a few more guys and slowly get to know them, while I continue to be the best version of me! :) 

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I followed your advice and I decided to go on a 3rd date with Bro Country! It wasn't exactly how I planned it though.  We were supposed to hang out last weekend but I had the stomach flu and was just not up to it!  We didn't reschedule yet, and so I wasn't sure when I was going to see him again. 

Fast forward to New Years Eve.  I was not planning to do anything too exciting.  I got Chinese food with my family at 4pm in Troutdale for my step dad's 60th birthday. And then I went straight to a 2 year olds birthday party.  Such a rager. ;) lol. They offered me drinks there, but I was planning on driving home in a couple of hours to snuggle up to my ween for my new years kiss (preferrably at east cost new years time... old lady alert.) 

Well, one thing led to another and the people wanted answers.  They kept asking about bro county and if I was going to see him again.  I debated.  Every single person was on board to have me see him again and convinced me that texting him tonight was the right idea. lol.  What was I getting myself into?  They kept telling me how hot he was, and that I should get my new years kiss.  Now, I had granny panties on tonight and was not prepared for any kind of action down there, so no funny business was going to be happening. ha ha.  But, I didn't see the harm in getting a new years kiss/make out session.  

My friends at the 2 year olds birthday party were coaching me on what to text him.  I guess, this was the most exciting thing that was probably going to happen at that party, so I get their interest. lol. It started with a winky face gif.  He told me he was driving for lyft tonight and I teased that I needed a lift. ;) All through the help of my peers of course.  A friend came up with a great one.  To send the text that we should play ride roulette.  If he gets a ride close to where I'm at, then he can come pick me up! Genius!  And obviously would likely never work, so if he didn't show up at a reasonable hour, then he really didn't want to see me.  Bro Country was down!  Sweet!  

Well shit.  Now, I'm at a 2 year old's birthday party, with my granny panties on, about to have a hot date.  I need to do something fast! My bestie, the 2 year olds mom quickly grabs me a tiny bottle (shot) of  fireball.  Because you know, us old folks don't actually buy bottles of booze anymore ha ha. And then she gave me two white claws to down.  Everyone was cheering me on, waiting for the next text from Bro Country to come in.  And I was double fisting it trying to catch up to the level I was at with my text messages. Cause at this point, I think Bro Country is hot, no obvious red flags, good conversation, but the fuego isn't totally there. Alcohol should help. 

About an hr later he texts sayin he's about 15 minutes out.  At this point, it's almost east coast new years.  I ask for one more white claw and when Bro Country arrived we had 5 minutes for the countdown.  I invited him in so my friends could size him up and to see how he does under pressure.  Not to my surprise, he was a gentleman and did great! We all counted down the new years together and then we took off. 

The plan was to have Bro Country just drop me off at home, but I told him we'd have a nice new years kiss.  But in the middle of my drunken  debacle a gf texted that they were out at another bar, and I was already buzzed so that sounded super fun.  When I told Bro Country he could drop me off there instead and/or was welcome to join me he quickly nixed that.  Said he thought we could grab a bottle of wine and watch a movie.  At this point, I forgot about my granny panties and agreed that was the best call! 

We got to his place and coincidentally his roommates were out of town.  We put on the movie Bad Grandpa, and laughed and cuddled and things heated up pretty quickly.  He was really trying to get in my pants lol... and I was trying to do everything I could to avoid the "situation" (granny panties, not groomed, etc.) I told him I was down to make out, but not down to get down. The things we say.  So we started making out hard core.  Which was super fun.  He takes me to bed with him and he's trying again and I blurt out, that it won't work because I've been watching too much porn lately anyway.  lol.  Did I really just say that? ha ha. I mean, desperate times call for desperate measures.  You gotta do what you gotta do! 

Pretty sure I said a lot of things that could keep me held accountable in court of law that night lol.  But, I do remember a moment where he was really pressuring me to please him, and I just drunkenly blurted out, "I'd rather keep my free will, thanks." I think that threw him off... and must have been what ended the drunken make out.  I mean, I was proud of myself for saying that.  Sometimes when I'm in situations like that, and not into it, it can feel like pleasing someone else is the easier thing to do than to speak up.  But I spoke up.  And then I passed out. 

I woke up around 8am with Bro Country next to me snoring.  His pillows were awful and my neck hurt. And turns out, alcohol and mixing alcohol makes you have to take a really bad shit in the morning.  I contemplated what to do.  His bathroom was literally RIGHT next to his bedroom.  And you can hear everything from there. Last thing I wanted to do was leave a grumpy my first time over.  And not just any grumpy...  BAD grumpy. (Get it?  Bad Grandmpa?  Bad Grumpy? lol. #dadjokes)

So, I got dressed, and ordered the fasted lyft ride.  I contemplated waking him up and asking for a ride, but then he could have wanted breakfast or something and I really just needed to get to my home thrown.  It was time to take the browns to the superbowl.  Drop the kids off at the pool. I couldn't risk it. 

My lyft was about 6 minutes out.  I snuck back into Bro Country's room, morning after awkardness surging through my body and finally to my fingertips where I gently tapped Bro Country.  "I'm going to take off."  in a hazy state he did ask if I wanted a ride, but I told him I already got a lyft.  Gave him a quick peck on the mouth, and walked out the door. 

Now, to figure out where the hell I was. lol.  Somewhere in Vancouver.  Finally, I get a phone call and it's the lyft driver.  He was at the roundabout but couldn't get through the gate.  THE GATE!  Shoot!  I have no idea what the code is!  I walk over to the gate and I see my driver.  He rolls down his window.  In panic, I tell him I have no idea how to get out.  The fence is high, and I was preparing to shamefully hop the fence as this innocent bystander watches my walk of shame struggle lol.  I ended up able to push the gate as hard as I could, just enough to squeeze my body through.  damn.  This is straight out of a movie scene.  I'm dying laughing at myself inside and wondering when this driver is going to tell this story to someone else. smh. 

I ended up making it home, just in time for my friend to pick me up for a hike at the coast.  Every year we do this.  We make plans to hike new years day, regretting our decisions hung over.  But we always pull through... alas, it WAS a great day! 

Bro Country and I texted back and forth a bit throughout the day.  Nothing mind shattering, which seems to be our theme.  He's leaving in 6 months.  We're  not quite on the same page of what we're looking for, so we decide to end things romantically.  It's the right move.  BUT, I will say, I'm so glad that I decided to get a little wild for NYE.  I'm proud of myself for continually putting myself out there, because you just never know when you will actually meet someone that just clicks.  Until then, the adventure continues! <3 

Last night... oh last night... lol. First, when you start the day by waking up at 6am to go wine tasting with the family, you never know how your night is going to end up!  My sister picked me up around 8am and I was feeling myself.  Had my low cut top on with my nipple pasties underneath in case of an accidental slip or in case the temperature got too cold.  Keeping it classy. ;) I showered and was all fresh.  Just feelin real cute.  Ready to mingle. It's funny though when you show up at 8am ready for date night just to meet the fam.  The fam consists of all married couples (or practically married).  Between me and my step sisters there's 6 sisters total (only 5 of us were there for this) plus my step mom an everybody's significant others.  It really is a good time. 

I wanted to pace myself as I knew I had a hot date that night with Bro Country so me and my sister decided to split our tastings and then we quit drinking all together by the last stop. On the way home, those of us who didn't split tastings were feeling pretty toasty and there was some mooning of cars, passing of wine in the car, and lots of singing of Christmas carols.  Too funny.  I love my family very much.  Next year, we've decided to get matching Christmas Onesies for wine tasting!
 
After a full day of wine tasting and driving long hours in the back country on windy roads I was not feeling so fresh. In fact, the minute I got home I blew up the toilet. lol.  Like my stomach was NOT well.  Nothing to make you feel sexy like quadruple wiping your ass before a hot date and no time for a shower! lol. 

Bro Country was being super cute and accommodating though.  Was texting me a little throughout the day asking me how the trip was going and making sure I knew he was flexible with whatever time I got in and that we could change plans accordingly.  He even offered to pick me up for the date which was really sweet!  But at date 2 I'm still interested in driving myself. 

We ended up deciding on a mini golf course pub in SE.  It was super cute! I loved the idea... But I was also SO tired!  I literally laid in bed for 10 minutes with my dog contemplating keeping my eyes closed for the rest of the night.  BUT, I don't like wasting peoples times and I hate it when people don't respect mine, so that last thing I was going to do was cancel. 

When I walked into the pub, I saw a bro dude at the bar.  I thought to myself... "bro country wasn't THAT bro-ey." But then he turned around and it was him. lol. whoops. He really is clean cut and put together and off first glance you would think is likely a d-bag.  But he's still sweet as ever. Through our conversations I never found out if he likes Trump, but he did squeeze in that he was in a fraternity (not surprising at all lol). 

Again, we had some great conversation.  I love that he is passionate about his goals and seems to really have a good head and heart on his shoulders. And he was still very attractive.  We had fun playing mini golf and chatting.  And it really was a good time.  At the end of the night he kissed me a little bit.  And it wasn't bad.  But.... and this is the big but... something just isn't quite there.  The excitement.  The spark?  I dunno.  He's a really great guy and I don't see any flaws in him... I'm just not sure if I'm into him.  I don't get giddy wanting to text him.  I don't feel a big flirtation between us.  But if I had a friend that wanted to date him, I would definitely recommend him.  He's just a solid dude. Seems open minded.  I'm just not quite sure what is off there?  My gutt says something's off though. Maybe it's age? Like, we're just not quite at the same place in life?  Maybe it's just that he doesn't seem all that exciting.  But he's really sweet and I'll give him that.  Sometimes people are great, but just not the one. 

Do you all think I should go out with him one more time for another chance at a spark?  Or do I just listen to that little voice in my gut that says, "great guy, but not the one." ?

I did it!  I've now gone one 3 dates pretty much back to back to back. Verdict: Date 1 pretty solid.  Date 2, nice guy but not that into him.  And Date 3... pretty solid as well! I'm not quite sure I had as much of the physical primal attraction with date 3 that i had with date 1 but I wasn't not attracted to him.  And I really liked talking to him.  I feel like this one would be more of a slow burn, but a burn none the less! :) 

To get into the details me and date 3, let's call him Outdoor Joe.   (his name is not Joe)... but he loves to Hunt and Fish and explore outside and works for an outdoor tv show.  We had quite a bit in common.  His dating profile actually reminded me a lot of Garrett from the Bachelorette who ended up with Beka.  

We matched on Bumble about a week ago and actually had decent conversation.  Then we didn't talk for a couple days and I got annoyed that nobody could meet up and ended up deleting the app.  Well, he popped up again today, so I swiped right again and just asked, "what are you doing right now?"  He was finishing up work.  I was finishing up work.  So we got ready and we met at Kennedy School for a drink and a soak.  F -yah!  I did this for my birthday this summer.  It's so freakin great.  Soaking pool and a beverage is where it's at!  We had our name on the wait list for the pool so we chatted for an hour in the first bar at the school.  Before he came in I let the bartenders know a Bumble date was about to meet me and when he showed up I told my date that I had already told the bartenders. lol  You know!?  It's just easier to be open and honest about everything, amiright? 

So we finally get called to the pool so we ordered one more and soaked for an hour.  It was awesome.  Talked a lot about our stories.  He had this cute little accent cause he's from the midwest.  Aww... Actually I think I'd rather call him Midwest Joe.  That's cuter.  Don't care that he's outdoorsy. I mean, I do... but the accent was cuter. ;) 

Midwest Joe is not quite in a place where he wants to settle down though.  Him and Bro Country both.  That's what I get for dating these younger guys (he's 32).  Guys MY age don't even want to commit! (eye roll)... that's pretty much what he said him and his last gf broke up over.  Just not in the same spots.  He wants to travel for work and doesn't like to stay in one place for more than 3 years... he's been in Portland for 2 now.  So eh... BUT I'm also like, who knows where life will take you?  There's no harm in getting to know people. They could have had other stuff that didn't match up too.  Plus, even though I'm biologically ready to have children, I'm still happy exploring and traveling and what not too.  

Basically Midwest Outdoor Joe was cute.  I changed my mind again.  Since I already named him Outdoor Joe that's what I keep wanting to type, so Outdoor Joe it remains. OJ... he he. That's bad and funny.  Basically OJ was cute, had great conversation, had a lot in common. I'd probably see him again too.  Nothing mind shattering again.  No long lost love/lust connection bam sparks or anything, but seemed like a good dude that I could potentially see myself making out with sometime in the future.  Jury is still out.  Wow, two potentials so far.  This is fun!  And a little dangerous.  I will have much better idea when I see Bro Country tomorrow how I feel about a 3rd date.  If you make it past date 3 you're pretty much in.  So may the odds be ever in their favor! :)