I was a shell of who I once was: My Infertility journey

So it starts: 

The Beginning
In honor of infertility awareness week that is all up in my feeds, I thought I would be brave and share my journey that not everybody knows. Because in the past, I've definitely been the one lurking in the background finding solace in other people's journeys that strongly resemble mine. I figured, there's no better time than the present to share my personal story in case it helps even one person feel not alone, or seen. 

It started in 2020 when I turned 35 and needed to get a dermoid cyst removed from my ovary. When they went in to operate they found a cyst with hair, and bone and cartilage and even brain! I like to joke that my ovaries have a mind of their own! lol. They also found endometriosis and told me I might want to start thinking about family planning before the endo gets worse. 

Trying + IUI (Taking Action on the Plan)
So, I made a plan with my OBGYN to buy some donor sperm and attempt to become a single mom by choice. My first thought was that I'd buy one vial and do a "Turkey Baster" at-home insemination and just see what happens. If it was meant to be it was meant to be, and if not, then I would go about being childless!

I had always joked about buying donor sperm if I never found a man I wanted to procreate with, but I always thought that I would find someone. Yet, here I was, acting on my jokes. Honestly, it was empowering. A little annoying having to justify it to multiple men who had their ego's bruised that a woman could choose to do something without them, (gasp!). But also, it helps you find your people real quick!

I joined this amazing community of bad ass women all looking to do the same thing as me. I didn't feel sorry for one woman in this group. They were all successful in their careers, beautiful, confident, intelligent women, who all just so happened to want a family but hadn't found a partner they wanted to do that with. It gave me so much more confidence knowing I not only wasn't alone, but that I had a tribe of amazing women going through the same experiences as I was. 

My OBGYN convinced me that I should at least give IUI a shot (intra-uterine insemination) where they take the washed sperm and put it directly in your uterus so the sperm didn't need to swim as far to reach your egg and you were more likely to conceive that way. It was a little pricier than I wanted, but I figured I'd only need to do it one time. I mean, our whole lives we've been told that we need to be extremely careful or we'll get pregnant. How hard could it be?! 

One IUI, turned to multiple IUI's and no positive pregnancy test. The women in my original group were getting pregnant and moving on from the group. That was hard and sad and exciting for them, but I felt I must be up next. It's got to be my turn soon! I even bought a few baby onesies and some maternity clothes as I'd find cute ones, dreaming of the day I would be pregnant and expecting my own little one. 

The "I'm just going to give it one shot, to try one IUI and see if it works" turned into being a prisoner to my fertility clinic. After several failed IUI's, I grieved. I was no longer going to try. Yet, something wasn't settled in me. How does one just give up on their child? Albeit, an unborn child, but still I felt a strong pull. 

New Year New Me + IVF (What Will People Think?)
After about a year away from fertility treatments failing, I got a new job that just so happened to have amazing fertility insurance. They actually would cover almost the entire cost of one IVF cycle per year. Well, I figured that was my sign to try just one more time. Because, IVF is pretty much a guarantee, right? I mean, that's what everything you read in pop culture and media tells you. So, I had to move on to a different sperm donor because my original donor was sold out. I was going to do IVF. 

In the meantime, I've only told a select few people in my circle what I was doing because the constant judgment was real. To add insult to injury, at the same time all of this has been happening, my two long time best friends and I who started this journey together and wanted to be pregnant at the same time both got pregnant and had their kids and are even on to another kid.  It's hard not to feel like you're stuck in limbo and left behind while everyone else is moving on without you. 

I was even too scared to tell my mom for fear of how she would not only judge me, but make me feel. I talk to my mom every day on the phone during almost every poop walk I take my dog on, but I just knew in my heart I would be terrified to tell her I was doing this on my own. She had always wanted me to have a partner in life, and I also think she was tired of being a new grandma. The excitement wore off and the reality was she was already a grandma x5 with my other sisters! 

Eventually after my first attempt at IVF failed, I decided to tell my mother. Because now I was telling her, " I tried something and it failed, but I wanted to let you know what I've been up to." It was less scary to tell her I was done trying than to have the judgment of "why are you trying this?"

It unfortunately didn't go as well as I'd hoped. I was met with "All you have to do is know when you're ovulating." and " It's not that hard to get pregnant." Oof. That stung. She meant well, and she used the knowledge that she personally had.

That's the thing of infertility. Most people don't have the knowledge that you have about it because they were never forced to go through something as traumatic as infertility. And they only have the tools and knowledge of lived experience unless they make a point to learn more. As hard as it was, I tried to offer grace here and to others. 

There have been a lot of hurtful/ignorant comments along the way of my journey from, "You can always adopt" to "just have a one night stand!" Which the latter wasn't their worst idea. But even that wouldn't work when you have infertility! And if "you can always adopt" is something you might say to someone, think twice.

Adopting is a beautiful journey, but it's a very different and deeply personal journey that not everyone is called to do, and that's okay. People will also ask, "Have you thought of getting a surrogate?" Of course I have! But unless you have about $200k to fork over to me for a no guarantee of a baby at the end of things, then it's definitely off the table. 

Finding Out the Hard way IVF ≠ Success
My first IVF at 35 yrs old, I made 3 embryos. All graded 5AA which are perfect visual grades. I had them PGT tested (checking that all chromosomes are normal because abnormal chromosomes are the number one cause for implantation not working or for a miscarriage) and only one came back with all chromosomes normal, or as they call it "euploid."

So, they discarded the other two and I only had one shot. We did a transfer and it failed. I was so excited because, why would a tested embryo not work? That doesn't make any sense. But it didn't. I was done. It was over for me. I was devastated and moving on. 

Next year came along and my insurance renewed. And so did my nervous system. Turns out I wasn't ready to give up. I also found out that if I went to a different clinic and used a different pharmacy that my benefits would actually cover 2 cycles in one year. The other clinic was that much cheaper, had the same success rates and I wasn't happy with my first clinic anyway because they obviously failed me.

I went on to change clinics and had 2 more rounds of egg retrievals before I would do a transfer. My first egg retrieval I got 3 embryos again! 2 of which tested euploid! That was amazing! Now I have two more tries. How exciting! So when my 2nd round with the same clinic only produced 2 embryos total and both were graded so poorly, that they didn't feel it was safe to test them, I was very shocked and bummed. 

Meanwhile, I'm still dating and living my life. And this is where things start to get complicated. How do you explain to someone you're starting to date that you're actively trying to make a baby without them!? I imagine it's very weird to hear that from a new potential partner, but I wasn't afraid to say it. 

Meeting Joe (Love + Complication Enter the Chat)
Almost directly after I had my 3rd egg retrieval (2nd with the new clinic), I met my now husband, Joe. I want to say it was our 2nd date that I told him about my infertility and how I was still trying to make a baby and actively pursuing IVF and that implantation would be happening soon.

Well, turns out, it didn't happen as soon as I thought because I also needed to have surgery on the polyps on my uterus. I also needed to have an MRI on my uterus and bowels to check to see how bad the endometriosis had gotten (which is a whole other  shit-your-pants kind of horror story in itself!)

There was task after task to do before being able to transfer these precious embryos. They put me on Lupron, which they use sometimes on cancer patients. It induces medicated menopause and affects your bone density and your hair falls out and you get hot flashes and get extra moody. Not super fun for a new relationship trying to navigate that.

Turns out Lupron had the opposite effect on me. Not only did it give me the horrible side effects while it was supposed to decrease the inflammation in my Uterus, it in fact, flared up inflammation to an extreme.  I was in excruciating pain! 

After that whole ordeal, I had been with Joe for about 6 months and by the time I had to cancel my transfer, it was a new insurance year. And I just put it out there, "would you want me to do another egg retrieval and instead use your sperm?" To my surprise he was on board. We knew this relationship was special super early on, so it also wasn't a surprise at the same time.

So, I cancelled the embryo transfers with the donor sperm and we went ahead and did a round of IVF together as a couple. I always knew that the donor embryos were my fall back, but of course hoping a miracle would happen and the embryos made with Joe would work. 

The Breaking Point (Medical + Emotional Collapse)
Leading up to my egg retrieval with Joe I got super sick. Like the major flu–bad fever kind.  It lasted for several weeks. I called my clinic and they said not to worry and to just take Tylenol to keep my fever down and the retrieval wouldn't be affected. Come to find out, the clinic was closing soon and this was the last chance to do an egg retrieval before switching clinics.

I trusted my doctor and went with it. (Big Mistake! Huge! IYKYK) I already did so much prep to get to this point, I didn't want to wait any longer. We ended up only making one embryo with an average grade. We didn't get it tested because I figured if we tested it and it came back abnormal they would discard it and we couldn't even try. And we wanted to at least try. 

For this transfer, we decided to put me on Orillissa instead of Lupron for several months to calm my endometriosis. Orilisssa also puts you in medicated menopause, just using a different mechanism. While I was on Lupron and Orilissa, my bone density got so weak that I ended up tearing my ACL in my right knee.

I put my knee surgery off because I wanted to try and get pregnant first before repairing it, but I was miserable and I couldn't exercise like I wanted to. But I was doing it for the sake of my future baby! I was going through medicated menopause again, lost even more hair and just really struggled emotionally and physically through it all.

When it was time to make sure I was ready for the transfer, it turned out, not only were my ovaries not suppressed, but  the opposite– I was actually ovulating multiple large juicy follicles. They ended up cancelling my cycle last minute and then the clinic closed.

The doctor didn't even have the decency to call me to tell me what happened. I had to call them to find out answers. At this point I was on a mental and physical break down. I started having panic attacks out of nowhere and just couldn't function like a normal human, all while showing up to work and life everyday as if everything was fine, when in reality, I was holding this huge weighted secret of grief. 

New Clinic + Surgeries (Thinking About DINK Life)
I eventually persevered and moved on to another clinic. After researching all the other clinics in the area I came to the conclusion, begrudgingly, that the first clinic I went to was the best of the worst.  I at least saw a different doctor.

At this point, I had had infertility with a long term partner trying naturally, as well as a failed embryo transfer with a euploid embryo, so my doctor suggested I look into getting endometriosis excision surgery before transferring my embryo with my partner. I wanted to make sure I gave our embryo everything I had, so I decided to do just that!

I really didn't want to do the surgery because of my trauma from my previous surgery where they removed the dermoid cyst, but I wanted to be a good partner and I really wanted to do everything in my power to make this embryo transfer successful!

Turns out, the best doctor to do my endometriosis excision surgery wasn't in network, so I ended up waiting until the next year to get that surgery so I could switch insurance providers and get the best surgeon.   I finally got my knee surgery almost a year after my injury because I finally had a big enough window of time to heal before my endo surgery and before trying to conceive again. 

I went to PT 3x a week while going to fertility acupuncture 2x a week, managing my full time job, relationship, & now wedding planning, all while on crazy fertility drugs that made me super anxious and depressed. I was having mental breakdowns on the regular with panic attacks galore. I didn't recognize myself. I was a shell of who I once was.

To make matters worse, my knee wasn't healing like it should be. Was it stress? Was it from the medicated menopause I was on for several months that affected my bone density and ability to heal? I don't know. Doctors didn't know. I was doing everything right, but healing was unfortunately taking longer than most. 

I eventually had my endometriosis excision surgery and we transferred our one embryo. It failed. Not even a sliver of a positive pregnancy test line. At this point I'm feeling so sad and defeated. I ended up reading a book called "The baby Decision" (www.amazon.com/Baby-Decision-Make-Important-Choice/dp/0997500700) that really helped me make my decision or at least helped me understand what I was feeling when it came to wanting to continue with fertility treatments or not. I have a copy of this book too. Holler if you want to borrow it.

The book really put in perspective for me that I could live a beautiful amazing life without children and got us excited to potentially retire early and to live that full on DINK life (Dual Income No Kids).

We could travel more–really live it up! It was exciting to think about. But, I still had these 4 embryo's on ice that I worked really hard for that I couldn't shake. I knew I would likely not get pregnant since I haven't had any luck  yet. I thought, I'm just going to go back to back to back implantations and after they all fail, I will be able to move on and to fully give myself to the DINK life and find myself again. Turns out things never go as you think!

Miscarriage + Medical Decline
Following the failed transfer with the embryo I made with my husband, turns out, I did get pregnant. This was the embryo I made with the donor sperm before my relationship with Joe.  I was shocked. We were shocked. and by the time we had a chance to wrap our heads around it and not be in our feelings about what just happened, I was told that my beta levels were no longer climbing and to expect to miscarry.

It was an excruciating couple of weeks waiting to bleed out. Meanwhile I still had pregnancy hormones racing through me, which I'm extremely sensitive to. I have PMDD already, which is where your brain is basically allergic to any hormone fluctuations and it makes living as a woman (that's extremely hard already) harder. Imagine my brain's allergic reaction to the raging hormones of a pregnant woman. Yikes!

I was lost. I was over it all. And I was ready to give up. I didn't recognize myself anymore and I decided I would stop everything. All the vitamins and supplements I had been taking were thrown in the trash. I miscarried, and then I was having withdrawals from the fertility meds (or so I thought).

I was feeling nauseous and dizzy and just off. I was getting the sweats and just really uncomfortable. I kept getting blood work done making sure the meds were out of my system because I didn't feel like myself yet. Turns out they were, but something else was wrong. 

I went on to have multiple vertigo episodes. One was so bad that I had to call 911 when I was home alone by myself and couldn't move without uncontrollably vomiting. I was crawling to the bathroom and my phone and could barely get 911 on the line. The ambulance came and I would proceed to vomit for the next several hours at the hospital.

I got a brain CT and followed up later with a brain MRI that all came back normal. I followed up with a primary care doctor who sent me to an ENT. The ENT assumed I had vestibular neuritis from a viral infection and that it would only start to get better. Except, I never had a virus. I was never sick when this happened. And I never got better. 

Where I am Now
It's now been a year since my miscarriage and I've had several vertigo attacks. I've seen an allergist and done vestibular testing and TMJ therapy, etc. Nobody can tell me what's wrong. It's so frustrating to feel like doctors don't believe you and won't do anything to help you.

Navigating this has now felt like a full time job as well. So, not only did I not get my baby, but I now potentially have a life long chronic debilitating disease that nobody knows how to treat or name and it's invisible to the outside world. Very isolating. 

This past year I've been really trying to focus on myself and my healing journey, both physically and mentally and I have a lot of medical trauma. I started taking water aerobics classes 3x a week at the community center and that has given me the ability to  exercise with my reduced knee mobility as well as finding joy in community. I highly recommend! Great fun class! And I still have these 3 embryos left. So I have been feeling a sense of wanting closure but not sure how to go about that. 

I don't want to discard them or donate them to science. I don't want to hold on to them forever and pay for storage forever with no sense of closure. I'll always feel "what if?" I'm tempted to try an embryo transfer again but I have so much going on with my own health now, plus the unlikelihood of carrying a pregnancy to term with my endometriosis and systemic inflammation. I'm terrified of pregnancy now. Like, I don't know if I can physically or mentally survive a pregnancy.

Since getting a surrogate isn't a financially realistic option, the other option I'm considering is embryo adoption. If I can't give these embryo's a chance at life in my own uterus, I'd love the opportunity to give someone else that chance. I could still be in the child's life as an extra person to love them, depending on how the other family feels about it. That's where feelings and logistics could get complicated. 

I actually reached out to a company that does just that, Empower with Moxi. www.empowerwithmoxi.com  They match us with recipient families. I had a meeting with someone there and they showed me a profile to see how I would feel and see what feelings would come up for me.  

I hate to say it, but my initial gut reaction was I was jealous. She too was in her 40's and single mom by choice living a beautiful family. She already 2 living children and was wanting to add a 3rd. Why couldn't that be me? That could have been me.

Oof. What do I do? It's mixed feelings. Because the idea of helping another family out is beautiful. And the idea of giving the embryo's I created the opportunity at life is also very beautiful and more likely to happen if it's not in my uterus. So I have some big decisions to make because I'm ready for the chapter to close in one way or another. In the least, I would love to mentally move on. I'm not getting any younger (at 40 - almost 41) and it's now been 6 long years since I started this journey.

This whole journey has been emotionally and physically taxing. It has pushed me outside of my comfort zone and asked me to sit in my feelings and to process what it is that would make my life feel meaningful. And what it would mean to never be a mother and what it means if my body is unable to do what it was made to do. How do I live with myself? And more importantly, how do I forgive myself and my one body that I have? 

For those of you still in the wait – I see you.
For those of you living a childless-not-by-choice life – I see you.
For those of you who have experienced loss – I see you.
For those of you on the solo mom by choice path – I see you.
For anyone who’s gone through IVF, IUI, or infertility in any form – I see you.
And for anyone who has had to make impossible choices… I see you.
You’re not alone in this.
Sending love.
I don’t know exactly what comes next for me, but I’m doing my best to move forward with honesty and a little bit of courage.
If you’ve been here too, I’d love to hear from you. 🤍