It's now been a couple weeks since the infamous kiss with my good friend of 10 years. Everyone and their mom was shipping this relationship. We both went out of town for a while on family trips and TBH the last couple weeks have been super awkward. To go from kissing one day, and then two plus weeks go by. In the middle of the two weeks of not seeing each other, I managed to have a booty call with an old fling.  If that's not a sign of a bad match, I'm not sure what is. lol

 We scheduled a day hike to catch up. I didn't know what the day would hold.  Maybe I'd see him and be like, omg you're my person.  Or maybe I'd see him and be like, wtf did I do? ha ha.  It wasn't quite as bad as the 2nd... but my gut was definitely speaking to me. 

You know that moment on the bachelor or bachelorette when there is a one-on-one date and they have a really fun adventurous day date, and then they change and get ready for dinner where they can finally have a serious talk?  Usually the person who isn't the bachelor/bachelorette is the one that has something revealing from their past they want to tell the bachelor. Something that's quite vulnerable to tell to a special love interest. And something that you would only want to reveal if the risk was worth it. I had my aha moment on this hike.  There was no way I could see myself feeling vulnerable enough to ever want to reveal my full heart with my friend. I may appear very strong on the outside, but inside I have a very delicate heart that craves a fierce love.  A fence jumping love. An I would walk to the ends of the earth for you love. And although there is much love between my friend and I, it is not that kind of love. 

It was a freeing revelation.  A giant elephant was lifted off of my chest.  Yet another small one was put there in it's place. It's like taking 1 step forward but two steps back.  It's great to know that there will no longer be any "what if's" in the back of my mind.  But at the same time, that means I'm one step further away from finding my person. My friend thinks this will bring us closer, I fear it will do the opposite.  I already feel myself detaching. 

Life is a crazy, beautiful, wild ride and we never know where it will lead us. Love hard with the ones you love. I'm looking forward to what the next chapter holds. My heart is open to whatever comes its way. xoxo. 

 Earlier this summer I had a good friend tell me some advice about dating.  He's been married for many years and said this advice has helped a lot of people he knows in this crazy dating world we live in.  The advice was to wait 10 days of seeing someone before deciding if you want to kiss them or not.  We all know we've been really into  someone date one and decide to kiss them, only to realize later they're kind of a piece of crap but we ended up hanging around them a lot longer than we should have because we were clouded by infatuation by kissing them.  And of course the opposite can happen.  Date one they're in the friend zone, but maybe by date 10 something substantial has built up and you might get a pleasant surprise when you kiss them! 

Recently, I went on Bumble and decided to try out the 10 date rule and just see how it goes.  Whatever I've done before has not worked in the past, so it's worth a shot.  First guy I meet, we'll call him, Leo.  Leo because we were both only about a week apart in birth and hence, both Leos in astrology. Leo was super cute!  Met him at a dive bar for a drink a couple weeks ago. Told him about the 10 date rule and he was on board.  I didn't feel the need to kiss him date one though, despite him being cute. 

Next night I met up with another guy for a drink.  We'll call him BB King. lol.   BB are his initials so BB King works for me! This guy is a tall drink of water.  Pretty hot actually. Like, from the pictures, kind of out of my league. Even cuter in person.  Whoo-wee. Charming smile.  Wants kids.  6ft plus.  Fun conversation.  Held my hand on a walk after drinks.  Just feeling really fun. I also told him about the 10 date rule thing and he was 100 percent on board with this idea.  I was feeling really into BB King but I already had a 2nd date planned with Leo, so wanted to see that through.  

Leo and I went to the Brewfest on the water front.  It was a blast.  Tasted some fun beers.  Had really good, easy conversation.  But I didn't feel it was right to continue to see Leo, when I was clearly more into BB King.  So after our 2nd date I bid him farewell.

For our 2nd date, BB King actually went out to drinks with me and a few of some of my greatest friends of all time. I feel like having someone meet your closest friends is a really good test run to see how they would do.  He handled himself really well.  Was super fun, and then we followed up the evening with some good conversation on our own.  

Date 3 we meet up for live music in the park.  It was super cute.  We danced a little and walked on the water front a little.  And again, he was super cute and charming and I was really into him.  Wanted to kiss him for sure to see if there was sparks.  But, we promised to hold off so we did.  

Date 4 I meet him by his work after work for the Ape Caves.  This was a super cool date. I was impressed.  Spelunking and crawlin through a cave.  Totally my kind of thing!  But for some reason on this date the sparks didn't seem as alive to me. And by the end of the night when we hugged goodbye it was pretty lack-luster. I can't pinpoint exactly what went wrong, but that just something wasn't quite right.  He had guns in his trunk from the weekend before, and guns are a huge turn off for me.  I just don't like to be around them. But, if that's your thing, I try really hard to understand that and if you're safe, then go for it.  I just want children someday, and I don't like the ideas of guns being part of the lifestyle.  It also sounded like he didn't have the greatest relationship with his family, and that's a really hard one for me to get past.  Family is SO important to me and it's values I want to share and I just really want to share a life with someone who also has a good family support around them.  Again, none of these are deal breakers.  Just things to think about.  Like I said, nothing specific happened bad on this date, just wasn't really feeling it for whatever reason.  I like to trust my gut in these situations because the 2nd I don't, I usually regret it. 

Close friends that met him convinced me to give it date 5. I could tell though, that BB King didn't seem to be as into the date either.  Like we must have both felt the same thing for whatever reason. And he was out of town a lot.  And out of town on my birthday and so we were planning something for the next night (tonight) only to cancel it because it's his moms birthday.  I kind of feel like me and BB King are cancelled too. :/ 

Rewind to this past weekend.  Oregon Jamboree music festival.  Having the time of my life.  Totally hooked up with a long lost love that I shouldn't be hooking up with... whoops.  But there's just so much love there, but also not good for me. gah! 

But then there's this other thing that's been happening kind of out of my control for the last several months.  For some reason, I started seeing my best friend differently.  This is a (guy) friend whom I've shared so many fun times with over the past 10 years and never once wanted to make a move or wanted him to make a move. We'll call him Lil' BFF.   But something this year switched in me a little bit.  Our relationship started to feel a little different and I found myself wondering the possibilities of that, but also very scared to make a move because he's literally the best human I know.  Nothing is worth losing that. 

But you know me, I like to be bold and life is way too short not to be!  So yesterday at my birthday shindig, I made it very clear that I was making a move. lol.  I was the birthday girl so I do what I want. He didn't seem to be mad about my move making, so that was fun. Gah, I just love him so much.  Not even in the romantic way, because that's just way too new of a feeling. But I just deeply love him and care about him in all the best human ways one can.  I told him to take me home that night, and he obliged. And then you know, we kissed for the first time ever and cuddled and pretty much stayed up until the sun came up.  And it was really really sweet and gentle and loving and it just made me feel really loved.  Even if that's all that ever is, it was worth it. :) 

My life: To be continued...