LOVE HARD...

Love  Hard

It's now been a couple weeks since the infamous kiss with my good friend of 10 years. Everyone and their mom was shipping this relationship. We both went out of town for a while on family trips and TBH the last couple weeks have been super awkward. To go from kissing one day, and then two plus weeks go by. In the middle of the two weeks of not seeing each other, I managed to have a booty call with an old fling.  If that's not a sign of a bad match, I'm not sure what is. lol

 We scheduled a day hike to catch up. I didn't know what the day would hold.  Maybe I'd see him and be like, omg you're my person.  Or maybe I'd see him and be like, wtf did I do? ha ha.  It wasn't quite as bad as the 2nd... but my gut was definitely speaking to me. 

You know that moment on the bachelor or bachelorette when there is a one-on-one date and they have a really fun adventurous day date, and then they change and get ready for dinner where they can finally have a serious talk?  Usually the person who isn't the bachelor/bachelorette is the one that has something revealing from their past they want to tell the bachelor. Something that's quite vulnerable to tell to a special love interest. And something that you would only want to reveal if the risk was worth it. I had my aha moment on this hike.  There was no way I could see myself feeling vulnerable enough to ever want to reveal my full heart with my friend. I may appear very strong on the outside, but inside I have a very delicate heart that craves a fierce love.  A fence jumping love. An I would walk to the ends of the earth for you love. And although there is much love between my friend and I, it is not that kind of love. 

It was a freeing revelation.  A giant elephant was lifted off of my chest.  Yet another small one was put there in it's place. It's like taking 1 step forward but two steps back.  It's great to know that there will no longer be any "what if's" in the back of my mind.  But at the same time, that means I'm one step further away from finding my person. My friend thinks this will bring us closer, I fear it will do the opposite.  I already feel myself detaching. 

Life is a crazy, beautiful, wild ride and we never know where it will lead us. Love hard with the ones you love. I'm looking forward to what the next chapter holds. My heart is open to whatever comes its way. xoxo.