I have a new hole in my heart. Undoubtedly placed where "lumberjack" filled the spot. It's like I had a full storage space but moved things around to make room for him and when he left the space couldn't be filled again. Isn't it crazy how a human can do that to your heart?
Things in my life couldn't have been going better before I met him. Well, that's not true. lol. But things were going pretty fantastic. I felt so happy and alive before meeting him. And the first day we met I knew he was the one. That's the part that stings the most. Every first date I've ever had that I told the guy I had no chemistry with that didn't understand why, was all leading up to my first date with him, with Lumberjack. He made my heart sing and dance, but he also made my heart burn and cry. He held so much power over my emotions that I didn't know how to control them when it came to him. And with so much power over one's heart, I expected a lot. I expected for my heart to be nurtured and protected. But how do you expect someone to nurture and protect your heart that hardly knows your heart? I suppose that's the hopeless romantic in me. But unfortunately your heart can't tell who's going to be nurturing and protective of it when it falls. Your heart gives you no warning sign that the person you're trusting with it just isn't capable of that, no matter how much you wish that to be untrue.
There is no doubt in my mind that I was falling in love with Lumberjack. We talked about the future. About our future children. The life we would plan together. Our finances and how we would make it all work. And I was all in wholeheartedly. The girl that lives for adventure and solo trips was now excited to take someone with her and to go with him. Honestly, I think I did fall in love. As crazy as that sounds. And my heart wants to cry even typing that. Just knowing that I got THAT vulnerable. In that first two weeks I would have eloped with him if he asked. And I probably wouldn't be here typing this "breakup" blog because when I choose to marry someone whether on a romantic whim, or over years of working at it and choosing each other... I'm not going to give up.
But I guess that's just it... We didn't get married. And we both had the choice to stay or to go. And although the first three weeks were magical, the last two were misery. For both of us. It's like all communications failed. We were speaking an entirely different language which, without "google translate,k" that can grow really frustrating. It's sort of a fun adventure at first, but then damn it you want to speak the same language with the person you're trying to build a future with. And not knowing if we'll ever be able to learn the other's language is a frightening future to look to. Did we make the right choice by separating now when it was easy to? Knowing that we might not have ever spoken the same language? Or should we have just went for it and worked through it? I don't think any choice is wrong, there. But both people have to make the same choice. And that clearly wasn't happening. When he was making the choice to continue, it felt like I wasn't. And when I was making the choice to continue, it felt like he wasn't. We just never made the choice at the same time lol. At least that's what it felt like.
Of course, there's more intricacies to relationships than just speaking the same language. And there was definitely more to ours. I know I felt like I was giving 110% to the relationship. I'm in school full time, have a very social life, and trying to give everything to this career so I can build a successful future life that has children and a home in it, yet literally every free second I had I was making sure I was calling him or texting him or spending time with him so he knew that I was serious and that I was going to do everything I could to make him feel special and appreciated, and that I was willing to sacrifice my downtime to accommodate his needs. Maybe that was the wrong move? In my VP1 class we were just told to undersell and overachieve in all of our jobs that way no client is disappointed. Maybe that's how you're supposed to be in relationships too? ha ha. But seriously, it kind of makes sense. I was giving everything I had and when I was asked to give more, it really was hurtful. My 110% wasn't enough. Where do you go from there? I was feeling defeated. And I was probably starting to feel resentful that I was giving up my personal downtime for him, and then hearing ultimatums like "I'm fine with how much time you're giving now, but this won't work if it still happens in the future." Rather than seeing how much I was giving, he saw how much I couldn't give. Which, is fair. You're totally allowed to have your standards and wants and maybe I just wasn't enough for him? And I couldn't look him in the eye and truthfully say that I would give him more time when I graduate. Not that I wouldn't want to, but I do need to make sure that I start this career that can propel me and my family in to a comfortable lifestyle and I'm going to work my butt off to get there and that may mean less time together. That kind of lifestyle doesn't work for everyone. It's not my preferred lifestyle either. But I guess my thought is, if you're in love you'll both find ways to satisfy each others needs. I dunno. Maybe that's naive of me...
And I know he was feeling the same way. He felt he was giving me all of the emotional support he could give me. But he also said, that's just not who he is. So his 110% there wasn't feeling like it was enough for me either. And it's just heartbreaking. To want something so bad with someone. I'm an emotional being and I'm all about following ones heart over logic. But my heart and emotions were hurting because of the logic that he couldn't give me the emotional support I longed for in a partner. It's like all of the things I found attractive in him, the manliness the toughness, the I don't give AF attitude. It was all so attractive for me and primal-y just made me want him so bad. Yet, it was killing me inside at the same time. I felt not understood. I felt I couldn't be sensitive with him, and I'm a sensitive being naturally. So there was no balance there. Again, was it right of me to walk away knowing I couldn't get the emotional support I longed for in a partner? Logically, yes. But emotionally, no. I still wanted him. And still want him, honestly. Which I want to kick myself for.
There is a part of me that feels maybe the timing just wasn't right for us. Maybe if I would have waited to get on Tinder after I had graduated and already had my future job in place that maybe things would have gone smoother. There would have been a lot less questions on how we were going to make it work. And to be fair, he still had a lot of questions on what he wanted or what he was going to do with his career. He was talking about moving to Montana and maybe moving somewhere else. And I really want to stay in Portland near my family at this point in my life. Would I have been willing to move to Montana with him for a period of time, yeah. I would have. But I was starting to question if he even wanted me to. And that's not good and didn't make me feel good.
I know it probably sounds crazy to most of you reading this that in a month and a half two people could have had this intense of a relationship, but I want to believe that it was real. It was real for me, at least I know that. So in that sense, it was real. I can't speak for him.
A naive part of my heart wants to believe that if I had all the things he was looking for right now that I would have been enough. That just maybe when I do graduate and have the killer job, he'll wish he was with me and that we'll run into each other on a hike, or on Tinder lol, and both swipe right, start chatting again, get coffee as friends and then fall madly in love again and wonder why we never made it work in the first place... I'm sure this thinking is probably from watching too many rom coms. But if it doesn't happen in real life I can write the ending I do want in either a song or a screenplay. :)
But that's also the thing, if I'm not enough for someone as I am now, I never will be. And logically, I know that. As hard as that is to admit to myself. And I know that the best way to move forward is to live my best life. Keep working really hard at the things I want to accomplish. Keep filling my cup with love and family and friends. Keep exercising and adventuring and doing the things that keep me whole as an individual and eventually I will hopefully fill whole again. And when I do, that's when my heart will be open to meeting someone else.
Which, speaking of, right now it's clearly not. I totally hopped on Tinder a day or two after our split. I just wanted to get out of the house and meet someone new. Someone to get my mind off of things. Which btw, I also saw Lumberjack on there too. Can't blame him, and even though I was on there too it still really stung. But, I matched with this guy who seemed nice enough! He asked me what I was looking for and I told him that I just got out of a whirlwind of a romance and that I was reeling from it and that I was looking for a distraction, not to be confused with a hookup. He seemed to be okay with that since he recently was out of a long term relationship so I thought we were on the same page. I just wanted some decent conversation.
We met at White Owl in SE which was by his place. Literally he walked there. And I had to drive 20 minutes. I always think that's so rude when dudes suggest that we meet right by there place especially knowing where I live. Where is the chivalry anymore? I wanted to get out of the house enough that I agreed anyway.
I get to White Owl and order myself a drink. Leave the tab open because I don't know how the night is gonna go. Maybe I'll be so impressed with this dude that I'll totally forget who Lumberjack is. That's the hope, right? They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. lol. Except I had no intentions of getting under this dude ha ha. But, I was just hoping for a handsome distraction at least. Well, I will say that plan totally backfired.
Dude shows up and he gets himself a drink. We go to an outside table because the music was too loud inside. And immediately, like within seconds I knew this was going to be an awkward date. He just stared at me most of the night in awkward silence and I felt super uncomfortable. I tried to joke around and laugh and make it less awkward, but dude was a little creepy and I could tell he was clingy. I was almost itching in my own skin. lol.. Anyway, I didn't order another drink. I lasted about an hr before I told him I was going to close my tab and head home.
As I was leaving he was really trying to hint that he didn't want me to go home but all I wanted to do was run for the hills. When I got home he texted me and told me how he was super into me and into "this." Honey, there is no "this." Let's get that straight. lol. I was honest with him and told him there was no chemistry. Then he asked what he did wrong. And I explained how I felt when I met Lumberjack. And he was convinced there was no way I could know by a first date. I said, when you meet someone you just have an instant chemistry with, like I did with the last guy I dated, that's how you know it's worth a second date. He then said, "you're not with the last guy." Rude! lol. No, he's right. I am not. But, dude, when a girl says she's not into you, believe her. Arguing your case only shows how desperate you are which is not helping your case at all. Sheesh.
I went home that night and I just bawled. I miss Lumberjack. There is no doubt about it. I realized Tinder wasn't probably the best idea because being around more duds just makes you realize how much you miss your last guy. And I really do hope Lumberjack gets his happy ending too. Not in an Asian massage happy ending kind of way lol, but more in a- I hope he finds the match that's best for him and gets the family he wants and is happy. And since that's not me, I'm glad he realized that now for both of our sake and that neither of us waste any time. I can respect that we weren't wanting to waste the others time. If it's not right, it's not right. I'll move on, because I need to.
So, I'm off Tinder. Trying to keep busy and keep kicking ass at life. And I'm still holding out hope that I'll have the same kind of chemistry and passion off the bat that I did with Lumberjack with someone else in the future and that we'll be better matched. Or that we meet again and have our rom-com happy ending. Either way! lol. It just feels good knowing that I'm open to love. And I always said that I would get my heart broken a million times over and over again knowing how much it hurts because the reward for love is greater than all of the pain from heartbreak.
But know that I'm not super human. I'm grieving. Deep. But I'm still motivated and maybe even more motivated now to keep going and to keep pushing. When challenges and obstacles get thrown at you, you have to push through them. And when you do, they feel that much greater! So I'm looking forward to kicking ass my last few terms at PCC and at setting up my future on my own and going on a warm reasonable vacation or adventure this winter wherever that may be, and hopefully FINALLY fulfilling that bucket list to live that #vanlife or #buslife Or whatever it turns out to be! I'm ready!
Ahh, love! It sure makes life worth living, huh!? <3
Dallas Brown is a pop country singer song-writer livin the dream!